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PARAPHILIC INFANTILISM First I would like to thank a few people for their assistance in preparing this essay. To Billy, and Trudy, two Infantilists and as it has turned out, two of the finest friends anyone could want. They gave me an insight into the world of infantilism, that I never thought was possible. To Dr. Linda Petty, a professor at a local university, for her encouragement, and assistance in finding places where information existed that I would not have found otherwise. To Andra' Tillery, and Shannon Jackson, who proof read this essay and got it ready for the final draft. Thank you ALL. INTRODUCTION The definition of infantilism used to include such things as sexual immaturity, mental illness, child like behavior carried into adulthood, psychosis, etc. These definitions, however, were used before Money, Nutter, and a few others who came to recognize infantilism as a paraphilia, fetish, or sexual disorder. These men along with Stekel have been pioneers in the field of paraphilic infantilism, and have taken the subject out of the dark, narrow depths of the legal world and into the light of understanding. Kinky and bizarre are the popular words for paraphilic sexual fantasies and practices. Legally, they are called perverted and deviant. Medicine and science only recently gave up using the legal terms and adopted for full-time use the formerly neglected, biomedical term, paraphilic, and its noun paraphilia. The person with a paraphilia is a paraphiliac, or paraphile. (Money page 1) FETISHISM AND PARAPHILIA Dr. John Money, an authority on the subject explains parahilia, and fetishism, in his book Lovemaps, published in 1986 by Irvington as: Fetishes can be classified as related either to haptic, or olfactory imagery in perception of fantasy. Haptic pertains to the feeling of pressure, rubbing, or touching; olfactory, to smell or odor. Even if fetish objects, like undergarments, or diapers are visually an erotic turn-on when seen in pictures or at a distance, in fantasy their application is haptic or olfactory. The haptic paraphilias belong together as the hyphephilias, and the olfactory as the olfactor-philias. In the hyphephilic group, the feeling may be internally generated, as by an enema, or inserted artifact. Externally, feelings are generated through the skin senses by the application of fabrics, fur, hair, and the like, the feel of which has its early source in hugging, cuddling,and affectionate care. Leather and rubber fetishes bridge the gap between touch and smell. Leather shoes and their smell, and rubber baby pants and their smell are probably the respective early sources of leather and rubber fetishes. Plastic is replacing rubber for baby pants, and will surely change the paraphilic rubber fetish into a plastic one. The early juvenile onset of paraphilic fascination with rubber was shown in a British survey of the retrospective recall of a group of rubber fetishists. (Gosselin and Wilson 1980). (Money pages 64-65) Dr. Thomas O. Sargent describes his opinion of fetishism in his article Fetishism in the Journal of Social Work and Human Sexuality the 1988 edition on pages 27 through 42. I would encourage anyone interested on the subject to read the entire article, along with his book The Behavioral and Medical Effects of Stress, published in 1984 by Designed Charge Institute. Fetishism is a narrower field of paraphilia, in which the source of stimulation or arousal is an inanimate article such as high heeled shoes, or a choker, or material such as fur, leather, or rubber. Fetishism also includes arousal by parts of the body such as feet or hair, and ritualistic elements such as used underpants or stolen rubber. These are similar to the rituals of romantic love, and arousal by means of the genitals or breasts, which are considered normal. As a result of the individuality of human development, there are as many "diseases" as there are individuals, and there are no clear lines between one form of sexual response and another. Fetishism and other paraphilias may arise as the result of direct sexual stimulation by the fetish object as when a small boy lies naked on a fur coat, wears rubber lined pants, or rides "horsy" on aunty's high buttoned shoes. More commonly, a paraphilia is accidental, as in voyeurism, and in the excitement of urine smells on rubber, or in the fact that a rubber coat was stolen. No two fetishists are alike. Among rubber fetishists, for example, some like latex, others like rubber, some like the material on cloth backing while others are turned off by the cloth. There are those who like it dry and velvety and those who like it wet, those who are stimulated by the smell of urine and sweat and, those who are fastidious, those who like it tight fitting and those who like it loosely caressing, those who enjoy manual stimulation of themselves, and those who like to lay on it, those who prefer it with a partner, others who want it alone, those who prefer a female partner, those who prefer male, and those who enjoy both. Some prefer this or that taste, sound, smell, or feel, and may be turned off by other types of rubber. There are those who prefer rubber gloves, those who like baby pants, book bags, bathing caps, balloons, condoms, boots, bloomers, bathing suits, beach bags, those who desire rubber aprons, and those who exist for a red rubber coat with a double back, rubber on the outside and smelling and rustling exactly like their fantasy. Each individual is unlike any other. (Sargent pages 27-29) Infantilists are much the same. There are no two exactly alike. Some prefer a cloth diaper, some prefer a disposable diaper. Some like to drink form a baby bottle, others prefer a pacifier, while still others will only nurse on a woman's breast. Some like the warm feeling of a wet diaper, others like to keep dry at all times. Some prefer to only masturbate in their diapers, while others prefer to have normal sexual intercourse while wearing a diaper. It appears that the individual preferences come from what was used at the time the paraphilic infantilism first started to appear. The younger generation seems to prefer disposable diapers, while slightly older people seem to prefer cloth. Others prefer plastic pants, while those still a bit older prefer rubber pants. Rubber of course was used before plastic, and cloth diapers before disposables. As Dr. Money stated above, the rubber fetish will become a plastic one, and of course the cloth diaper fetish will become a disposable one. The average Infantilist according to Dr. Thomas Speakers survey in 1987, published by D.P.F. is: A male, who has a bachelors or higher degree, in a management position, and is a heterosexual. He was usually the youngest child in a family. His parents were not divorced, or dead, and he was raised by both parents. He was not physically or mentally abused as a child, and feels he was treated normally for his age while growing up. Half were bed wetters when children. He can have a sexual relationship in or out of diapers, but prefers to wear them as a sexual "turn-on". The infantilist I will discuss in this essay, is the person who wishes with all his being that he could return to the infant, or toddler stage. His pleasures usually included using one, or all of the following: Diapers, Plastic or Rubber Pants, Baby Bottles, Pacifiers, Bibs, etc. When was I first assigned this essay, I approached it with much the same attitude that most people would. However, after meeting and talking with some infantilists, I have come to understand them, and their desires. Most of them are no different than the "normal" people we meet everyday. In fact, of the infantilists I talked with, most of them are in very high positions in our society, and would be considered very successful in their chosen careers. The infantilist prefers to be called an Adult Baby, and that is the term I will use when referring to them in this essay. During these many months, I have met with many adult babies, and I have found that they are, in fact, much like the little children they wish they could be. Their desire for love and affection, on the whole, is greater than the average person. This causes the adult baby much of the anguish he feels in his day to day life. He wants so badly to love and be loved, but doesn't have the courage to discuss his desires openly with the person he is attracted to. This is due to the fear of being rejected. Of the people I talked with, 70 percent said they would rather face almost anything except rejection. What makes a person have the desire to be diapered, and rocked to sleep while being bottle fed? This seems to be one of the great mysteries, not only for the average person, but for the adult baby himself. I am writing this essay in a way, as to inform the unknowledgeable person on the subject, and to try to answer some of the why questions that the adult baby has. Many adult babies know when they started wearing diapers again, but don't know why they have these desires. Included in this essay are some personal stories told to me by adult babies, and deal with the first time they can remember having the desire to be babied, or the first time they wore diapers. There are also two case histories from doctors who treated infantilists. Not having any training in the field of psychology, some of the theories I present here may not be accepted by that community. I however, have one advantage, I was able to talk with these people, and be accepted by them. They told me of their desires, and answered many of the questions that were presented to them. Most of them have no desire to seek therapy. Of those who did seek therapy, it was to find out why they had these feelings, not to be "cured". In this essay, I will be referring to the following books, and their authors. The Major Neuroses and Behavior Disorders of Children, by Dr. Melitta Sperling (Aronson 1982). Patterns of Psychosexual Infantilism by Dr. Wilhelm Stekel (Liveright 1952). Psychosexual Infantilism in Adults by Dr. Tom Speaker (DPF 1987), Lovemaps by Dr. John Money (Irvington 1986), and other various publications which will be identified as they are presented. THE ADULT BABY It is a medical fact that girls mature faster than boys. The mothers I talked with who had at least one boy and one girl, have told me that potty training girls is much easier. This is one theory I would like to explore. My feeling, after reading some of the material used as references, is that some adult babies appear to have been potty trained before they were ready. I'm not saying that this is the true in every instance, but I do feel that this was a primary factor in some of the people I talked with. They still get those skin pleasures of wearing a wet diaper, or sleeping in a wet bed. My theory is, it's because they didn't have those pleasurable skin sensations as an infant. Had these adult babies had the chance to live out these urethral impulses, I don't think some would be in diapers today. What about their feelings. How do they really feel when they are wearing diapers? Do they mentally visualize themselves as an adult in a diaper, or do they think of themselves as an infant again? Do they like being this way, and have they ever tried to give up these desires? What about when they purchase their baby items. Do they get them from a local store, or by catalog? If purchased locally, do they get embarrassed, or make up excuses when making such purchases? Are there support groups for these people? These are some of the questions that were answered by the adult baby group. On the subject of relationships, it seems that the confidant adult baby has little or no problem conveying his desires to his sexual partner. However, these confidant types are few and far between. It appears that confidence comes with age. That is to say, that the longer a person has lived with the feeling to be babied, the less he cares about other peoples attitudes. Much like the homosexual, I would imagine. What about the wives and lovers of the adult baby, how do they feel about having to deal with an adult partner who is a sometime adult, sometime baby? I asked Tommy of DPF to assist me in getting answers to this question. He asked the question in his newsletter, requesting that the answers be addressed to me. There was only one response. There is also a contract included that was developed by an adult baby. As you will notice, this contract covers many of the things that may come up in a relationship. When the person may be a baby, where he may be a baby, and how much of a baby he is permitted to be. Some feel this is the best approach, ending any problems that might occur from not communicating on the same plane. As Dr. Money states, "it is possible to give informed consent, and to enter into a consensual contract, only if all the terms of the contact are known in full, and not taken for granted." Most of the adult babies I talked with, would not let me use their name or even their true initials, for fear of being identified. The names and initials you see here were made up on the spur of the moment, and if any of them match the true initials of the person involved, it is purely by coincidence. Most of the people I talked with used a pseudoname so as not to be identified even by others in the group. I will also discuss products that are available for the adult baby, and an organization called the Diaper Pail Fraternity. It has about 1,500 members, all of which are either adult babies, or have an interest in infantilism. The main body of this essay are those items which I have just mentioned. By reading the true stories, the questions that were asked of the adult babies, and comments from professionals in the field, you will gain some insight into the very private world of the adult baby. DEFINITIONS Some of the words that will be used are not found in our ever day conversations, and therefore are explained below. I would like to thank Dr.John Money for his book Lovemaps, from which the following definitations came. This book, is by far and away the most informative book published to date on the subject of paraphilias. autonepiophila - a paraphilia of the stigmatic/eligible type in which sexuerotic arousal and facilitation or attainment of orgasm are responsive to, and dependent upon impersonating a baby in diapers and being treated as one by the partner. lovemap - A developmental representation or template in the mind and in the brain depicting the idealized lover and idealized program of sexoerotic activity projected in imagery or actually engaged in with that lover. lovemap displacement - an intrinsic element that becomes developmentally incorporated into a lovemap, changing it from normophilic into paraphilic of the displacement type. lovemap inclusion - an extraneous element that becomes developmentally incorporated into a lovemap, changing it from a normophilic into a paraphilic of the inclusion type. narcissism - an arresting of development at, or a regression to, the infantile stage of development in which one's own body is the object of erotic interest. normophila - A condition of being erotosexually in conformity with the standard as dictated by customary, religious, or legal authority. paraphilia - Philia meaning love as in Philadelphia, the city of brotherly love, and Para meaning beyond that which is ordinary, or is apart from the usual by being delusional. It is a condition occurring in men and women of being compulsively responsive to and obligatively dependent on an unusual and personally or socially unacceptable stimulus, perceived or in the imagery of fantasy, for optimal initiation or maintenance of erotrsexual arousal and facilitation or attainment of orgasm. Paraphilic imagery may be replayed in fantasy during solo masturbation or intercourse with partner. QUESTIONS The following questions were asked to the Adult Baby Group on Compuserve. The initials, are made up at the spur of the moment, and do not in any way reflect the actual initials of the person responding. QUESTION: How do you feel when you are dressed in diapers and plastic pants? Do you mentally feel like an adult in diapers, or a baby? Does the adult world exist for you while you are wearing diapers? E.O. The fact is, that I really feel like a two or three year old toddler, and the adult world doesn't exist at that moment. I can however, be brought back to reality very quickly. Like if the phone rings, or someone comes to the front door. G.K. I find that when I put on my diapers I feel like a toddler, but I often have other things I have to do during the day. I will forget that I am diapered and go about my business. When nature calls, and I realize I'm diapered, I can suddenly have the luxury of being two years old again. I spent this weekend feeling just like that. In fact I went home twice in a wet diaper. I find with many of my adult baby friends I can comfortably slip in and out of adulthood or being a toddler. I don't fight the switching. I'm comfortable with it, but I'm sure it must drive some people crazy. R.J. When I wear my diapers and plastic pants I feel SAFE & SECURE. It's a wonderful feeling of safety. I have never thought of myself as being an adult in baby clothes. I did buy some adult size baby clothes once, and when I put them on, I did feel like an adult in baby clothes with no idea of how to get back into the "head-set" of being a toddler again. But diapers and plastic panties along with a rubber sheet on my bed are much different. They are warm and wonderful. L.E. I can relate to what you are trying to say. It's not very often that I am a baby, but when I am, I'm all baby. The illusion (for lack of a better word) may not last long, and the adult world is far away when I play. I found last summer, that if you put a diaper on me, place me in a crib and feed me a bottle, my mind is a blank. I get so wrapped up in my environment and my emotions that I forget all about being an adult. It's too bad it is only temporary. Quite often I just enjoy "being" a baby. Because of my situation at home, it is not always feasible for me to be diapered or display other signs of babyhood. Usually when I am going to sleep, I concentrate quite deeply on the experiences of being a baby. When the situation allows, I use all the baby items I can, to intensify the emotions of being a baby. On the other hand, when I go out in public diapered, I feel more like a little kid getting away with something that I shouldn't be doing. Except for a slight bulge in my pants, and maybe a little rustle, I don't think anyone notices. In my mind, as I said, I am a little kid. I don't ever recall relating the experience to myself as an adult in diapers. QUESTION: Did any of you think that you were the only one with the feeling that you wanted to be babied, or did you know in your heart that there had to be others who felt the same way? T.P. For a very long time, I felt alone and I thought I was the only person who had the feeling of being a baby waiting for his mommy to diaper, feed, cuddle, and to do all the other things a mommy does for her baby. All my life I've been searching for answers, and to find out what was wrong with me. Since joining this group, I found my answer. There is nothing really wrong with me. I felt so free I almost wet my pants. I felt like a ton of guilt and sheer confusion had been lifted off of my shoulders. I didn't know what I was or who I would be as I grew older. But now I know that I am normal, and can enjoy my babyish behavior. The most important thing that I finally realized was, that I was not a child molester. Was I very confused. I think about all the years I avoided being around children and babies, not knowing what was wrong with me. I never allowed myself to be alone with children for fear of what might happen. I just wasn't sure about myself. I never read or heard anything, about adult babies. I was left to the conclusion, that what I was feeling, and what I was thinking was bad and that there was something terribly wrong with me. After feeling this way most of my life, I feel like I've been reborn. Thanks to all of you here in the group, I'm looking forward to making many new friends, and to learn many new things. I have a lot of catching up to do and every day I thank GOD for the woman he sent to be my wife, and mommy. She has a new outlook about me, and my wanting to be babied since we have discovered the adult baby group. R.K. In answer to T. P., I would like to say that being an adult baby certainly isn't akin to child-molesting, even though that seems to be a very common misunderstanding about us. That's one of the reason that we all have to be somewhat careful about who finds out about us. We are very misunderstood. QUESTION: How about others finding out about your desires, is that a real fear for any of you ? A.P. My desire to be a baby has been a very dark secret. Lately I wear adult diapers in the normal course of the day. I have recently been caught by my wife and used the excuse that I received an electrical shock, and wear diapers for an incontinence problem. I will be attending a school away from home for the next two weeks, and I intend to wear an adult cloth diaper and a plastic pants the whole time. Over all, it seems that I'm only comfortable when I wear diapers, but the specter of being found out is causing me great anxiety. E.D. I think all of us spent a lot of time with our diaper wearing being a deep dark secret. I had a gradual change in my attitude brought on from talking with the people in this group, and reading and talking to my friends in DPF (Diaper Pail Fraternity), that helped me to get over the fear. When I'm having company over to the house, I just make sure that my things are put away. Those friends who are real friends, I've told, bit by bit. They might not understand, but they don't hold it against me either. A few of them were even fascinated by the idea that I was a big child, and in private, they treat me accordingly. I guess what I wanted to say is, hang in there, and communicate. Most of us have been there too. G.N. While working in our company warehouse, my boss was helping move some boxes around. He happened to come across a box of samples that I had temporarily stored there. I am constantly putting things in my van and taking them back out. This particular box had a bonus in it. A pair of my Gerber plastic pants, had fallen into the box. I store most of my baby things in a personal warehouse. I therefore have to transport things to and from there in order to enjoy them. How they got into a box in the company warehouse, I'll never know. He picked them out of the box and looked curiously at them. In an instant I was across the warehouse to claim them, (A foolish move on my part). He of course recognized what they were. He didn't unfold them all the way to see how big they really were. He merely handed them to me and said "They're not my size". I remained rather calm and took them away. I tried to stuff them in my pocket but felt rather uncomfortable about it. I decided to take them out to my van. I can only conclude he thought that they were plastic pants for a baby (which is true), and that they must have come from a friend of mine (I hope). I have spent the last few hours wishing I had never developed this interest. Aside from this instance, I have been very happy with my infantile experiences. I do hate the fact that I feel the need to keep such a secret to myself. Tell others of my interest? Those who I feel will understand I will tell. Outside of this group, there is only one other person I have told. QUESTION: Have you ever set goals to give up your diapers ? Have you ever really tried hard to give up these baby desires? B.J. There have been times in the past when I promised myself that I was going to give up my diapers. Birthdays, start of school, or the start of the new year, were all dates that I have set as goals at one time or another. I remember one summer when I was overseas with a group, the desire to wear diapers became so strong, that I pretended to be sick, so that I could crawl in bed, pull a towel up between my legs, and used it as the diaper I had deprived myself of for so long. I finally let myself be the the person I really am. R.S. I have tried several times in the past to give up my diapers, but it never seems to last too long. It usually starts when I think about what would happen if I were to die suddenly, or if I were to become seriously injured. I envision my family coming to my house to take care of some loose ends, and they find my stash of diapers. In the first scenario, I would be dead, and I wouldn't have to worry about the inevitable questions. I do, however, think about the shame that it might cause my family. Suppose that I wasn't dead, and I was asked about these things? I think that my family is very understanding, but this would be the real test. Likewise, I worry about a co-worker, or friend finding my stash of disposable diapers. With the sort of position I have, my career would be over in a second. If there would ever be a time that I would commit suicide, that would probably be it. I don't think that I could ever face those people again. It's the fear of being found out that has motivated me to get rid of my diapers in the past. I'll do OK for a few weeks, and then the urge to wear a diaper becomes too great. I'll go buy some the same day, and the whole thing starts all over again. B.J. A lot of what you say reminds me of my own feelings. I figure the ones who would be going through my things first, will probably be the ones who already know or suspect something. The others, well, they know I'm a bit unusual. Consider this. If you throw everything away, and finally are overcome with desire again, how careful are you going to be? Taking a road of moderation and feeling more secure and comfortable about yourself and your feelings will give you the strength of mind to be able to handle things better. You said "Find your stash of Disposable Diapers". If that is all you have, then you are a lot safer than most of us. F.H. I always fantasized about being made to wear diapers, even when I was very young. When I was in elementary school, I told myself that I would stop when I got into junior high school, because the idea of a junior high kid wearing diapers seemed ridiculous. When I got into high school, I changed the fantasy a little. Rather than fantasizing about being put into diapers as a high school student, I fantasized about being younger and being put into diapers. That's pretty much how it has been ever since. I fantasize about being younger, and being put in diapers as a punishment. I guess a lot of us have that same fantasy. It's interesting in that when I was young, I thought I would have to give up diapers when I got older, as it would no longer be realistic. But when I got older, I just made it a little more "abstract" and it still stays with me today. W.S. Boy, is this subject topical for me now. I have just come out of a particularly long period of trying to do just what you describe, and I was miserable the whole time. Just a few weeks ago, I finally gave up, and got back to wearing my diapers again. It was for my own sanity, believe me. I wasn't doing myself or my family any good by trying to force myself to give up what is such a deep need. I really thought that this time I could do it, but I need my baby time to keep my inner self happy. Since I've been back in diapers again, I have felt better than I have in a year. I think the best thing to do is to accept myself for what I am, and then try to integrate those feelings into my life as best I can. R.K. I feel exactly the same way. Diapers for me have always been a way to cope with the world. After a rough day at work, nothing relaxes me more than some baby time, wearing my diapers and plastic pants. I feel so comforted in my soft, bulky diapers, and sucking on my bottle or pacifier. I really am able to tune into the baby that lives inside me. I think a lot of people who drink too much, or do drugs are looking for that same inner peace of mind that all of us adult babies can find when we take care of our baby desires. I don't think anyone ever really "grows-up", in the sense that they still need to be comforted like a baby. I see a lot of unhappy people who could use some time regressing back into babyhood, so they could get in touch with the baby inside of themselves. I know that like you, I need my baby time to keep myself emotionally happy. Maybe if more people allowed themselves the freedom to become a baby again, the world would be a more compassionate and healthy place to live, and just think of all the new baby friends we would have to play with. S.S. The only time I recall trying to "reform" was a few times during junior and senior high school. I would throw away all my baby stuff. It would usually only take a month or so, and I was accumulating stuff again. Since high school, I really haven't planned on giving it up. Perhaps it is because I told my girlfriend in high school about my desires, and she didn't freak out. I thought she would, but it all worked out. She wasn't into my baby thing, but we did continued our relationship. Since then, I've told a few friends, and their attitude seems to be more of a "Well, that's strange, but if it's OK with you, it's OK with us." With that kind of attitude, why would I want to give it up ? R.Z. I used to think that when I "grew-up", I would no longer have the desire to wear diapers or act like a baby. Now that I am "grown-up", I realize that I will always have these desires. I used to try to stop wearing diapers, and I must have given them up a hundred times. I always returned though, and now I realize that this is something that I must do for myself to stay "sane" or "normal". I have brothers and sisters who have both drug and alcohol problems, and they think that I am really great for not becoming hooked on one or the other. I credit my being an adult baby for having an outlet, so that I don't need either drugs or alcohol. I think that if I were forced to give up being an adult baby, I would probably have to be put into a hospital in a rubber room. In this way, I think that diapers have helped me cope with the world. B.J. If you did get sent to a mental hospital, you should get cured very, very quickly. From what I hear, the first thing the nurse will do is put a diaper back on you. Let's hear it for sanity. Diaper wearing, will keep you sane, contrary to what the "Shrinks" say. B.L. I have spent most of my life going into and out of diapers. Until about ten years ago, I used to go through periods of throwing everything away, telling myself " Well, that's the end of that." Then, a few months later, it would start up, all over again. Right now, I have a large storage shed that I've rented to keep all my baby things in. It isn't that much fun anymore, maybe because I don't have anyone to share it with. It would be so nice to find a woman that would understand my desires. I am a very loving, compassionate person, who would give much more love than I get, but I just can't bring myself to tell someone I'm interested in, about my desire to be babied. J.K. I never manage to go for more than a few weeks before putting my diapers back on again. I'm nicely padded almost every night, and I've decided that I'm not giving them up. I really think that I sleep much better when I'm diapered. Like some others have said, I am definitely happier in my daily life when I can look forward to wearing a diaper in the evening when I get home. My sweetheart knows about my diapers, and she still loves me. If anyone finds them, I'll just tell them that I wet the bed, and I have to wear them to protect the bedding. I'm pushing forty now, and I don't expect things to change when I'm sixty. I wonder what things will be like in twenty years ? B.J. In twenty years things will be completely different. Diapers will be something an entire generation will never out-grow, incontinence in older adults growing as it is. There will probably be adult changing tables in every public restroom. Well, one can dream, can't one? I truly do believe that in twenty years, there will be much less shame felt by those wanting to wear diapers. M.G. Keep dreaming B. J., it's what drives us. I definitely feel much less shame now than I used to. Whatever started me on this path started when I was about two years old. How can I be responsible for that? I think that we have all tried at one time or another to be "normal", but it's a part of us that can not be denied. You might as well cut off my legs or arms. They would probably be easier to live without than my diapers. I still feel the need to be discreet. Not out of shame, but I'm just not willing to confront the misunderstanding of others, and their macho, shit. QUESTION: How many people know about your diaper wearing, and how is it accepted ? R.K. I've told some of you about my relationship with my very good friend. A few weeks ago I hired her to clean my apartment every week for me. She said, "I'll do windows. But I won't do your baby diapers". I have just been too busy to really run my household as I should and I had found myself using my messy house as an excuse to be antisocial. Well, that is finally starting to change. She has not only been cleaning the standard fixtures in the house but she is also, room by room, is reorganizing my things. I told her that I really wanted to get all my baby things out of sight. When I got home yesterday, she had done just that. All my diapers, magazines and other baby things were all neatly folded, stacked and placed in boxes. I took her to dinner for doing so much beyond what I thought she should be doing. After diner we wandered through a shopping center and wound up in a toy store. We both spent a long time looking at all the wonderful toys there. We found that we were both staring at the same thing, and left the store with the next to the largest Lego set they had, and rushed home to play with it. We stayed up till 1 AM playing with the little pieces. I haven't had so much fun in months! B.J. I, and my oldest sister were visiting our parents for the past few days. My older sister has been aware of my involvement here in the group. I tried to helped her understand more about Transvestite's since she is dating one. She and I got to talking about self-help groups, and I kept wondering if she had any idea what my group was about, but I didn't dare ask her. She never really said either, but the conversation between the two of us the rest of the weekend left me with very little doubt she knew and understood. She recommended a couple of movies to me that were 'cute' and dealt with humor and raising kids. I only have a feeling so far, but I am beginning to wonder who in my family DOESN'T know! P.H. My upstairs neighbor knocked on my door, and I thought it was because my stereo was too loud. It turned out that she had just arrived home from a week away, and was locked out. The managers do nothing to help on Sunday nights so I let her in to make her calls. While she was using the phone, I noticed that I still had my diapers and plastic pants laying across a chair right in front of her. When she got off the phone I apologized for the mess as I snatched the laundry items and put them in the other room. I also had another experience in the laundry room. I was emptying the dryer and someone else came in. I know both times these women had to have seen my diapers, but not a word was said. QUESTION: When you purchase diapers, or other baby products, do you make up an excuse to buy them, or tell the salesperson the truth ? D.S. I like wearing cloth baby diapers, so I wrote to Curity to find a local retailer who sells their 21x40 size. They are virtually impossible to find. To my surprise, they are sold in California at Sprouze-Rease. There was a Sprouze-Rease only 2 blocks from my house, and I was driving 15 miles to a Toys R Us in search of them. I walked in to this store with my suit on, in search of the diapers. It was about 4 pm, and all the homemakers were finishing their shopping spree for the day. I found 3 dozen of the Curity diapers, and waited until the check-out line cleared of women, I've always been shy about buying diapers . After the line cleared, I edged up to counter thinking, now is my chance. As soon as I got there, 3 more women closed in behind me. The saleslady, who was also the manager, said in a loud voice, "Oh, No! You've cleaned me out of diapers. Are you sure you need all those?" Attempting to keep cool I said yes, hoping to become the Incredible Shrinking Man. "Well, I'm going to have to reorder." Then she walked over to the counter where the diapers were, and said again, "Yep, I'm all out." I looked behind me and saw one of the women smiling. The whole process took about 5 times longer than it should have. I don't know how far the next closest Sprouze Rease is, but I'm going to find it. B.J. A similar experience happened to me once. I went into a variety store to buy a package of adult-size disposable diapers. I am always in agony whenever I have to personally buy diapers and this time I waited until the line was clear, so that I could pay for my purchase quickly and make my escape. When I gave my package to the sales lady she looked at it and said" Oh my! Did you know that this package is open and one of the diapers is missing?" By this time there were quite a few people in line behind me waiting. I looked at the package and sure enough someone had opened it. "Why don't you run back and get another package of these" she said. Not wanting to make a scene I quickly ran back to the isle and grabbed another package of diapers. By the time I got back to the check-out counter there was a line of people again and not to draw attention to myself I got back in line. The sales lady saw me and said to the people in front of me "Let this man ahead of you, he was here first." By this time all I wanted to do was shrink into the floor. Finally after an ETERNITY I paid for my package of diapers and made my escape. The other people in line got a real chuckle out of my embarrassment but I just wanted to die! Needless to say I have not returned to that particular store to buy any more disposable diapers, so, I know exactly how you felt when you had your experience. O.G. My last experience at buying diapers was a bit different. Like you, I am uncomfortable buying them in public, so I usually construct some story about a child in the family or a grandparent with incontinent problems. That scheme backfired Big Time! This particular drug store has a very conscientious staff, and when I explained what I was looking for, I was treated to a 45 minute discussion as to, what types of problems did my grandmother have, how much she wet, how often, and we went into all the various ways and means to help incontinent people, most of which, were not diapers. When we finished the whole discussion, I still insisted on the diapers and when she gave me the box, suggested some rubber pants to go along with them. When I grabbed the large size, she laughed at me and suggested the medium might fit me better! It was embarrassing as hell, to say the least, but it cured me of telling stories to sales people. R.L. Just like many of you, I have a difficult time buying diapers in a store. I also use the story about a family member being incontinent. However one time I went to a store that had so many diaper products that I was just stunned. I was like a kid in a candy store. While I was standing there trying to take it all in, a saleslady, around 45 and very attractive, came up behind me and asked to help. I was so shocked I couldn't figure out what to say. She asked if they were for me, and I dumbfoundedly shook my head yes. She said that I looked like I needed a thick diaper, picked up some cloth diapers, and started telling me about them. I could barely think, let alone figure out how to get out of there. About that time a young saleslady walked up and asked if she could help, but the older lady said it was OK. The younger one smiled at me in a way, that I had to believe she knew what I was up to, and turned away. The older lady got a couple of packages of the diapers, picked up some plastic pants, saying I would need them, and started leading me up to check-out. The younger woman turned to look at me, and the lady who was helping me, and smiled. I paid for the stuff and almost ran. As I got to the door the lady called in a loud voice "If those diapers don't work just come back and we will special order some heavy duty ones for you". There were several people in the store looking at other things, and they all turned and looked at me. As I walked past the window toward the car I saw that all the woman at the counter were looking at me and smiling. One even waved. I could have died. QUESTION: Of those of you who travel, have you ever run into a situation where you have been caught? Have you ever wet the bed, and if so how did you handle it? E.K. I've taken a bunch of vacations over the past several years, some of which were cruises, and I have wondered about asking the cabin steward for a rubber sheet, but haven't, out of embarrassment. K.R. I have wanted to travel in diapers and plastic pants for a long time, but the fear of metal detectors picking up diaper pins at the airports, etc, have sort of discouraged me. Also, disposable diapers make such a rustling sound. It's great at home, but bad when out in public. J.F. The idea of traveling and asking for a rubber sheet has fascinated me for a long while. I have tried it at several motels during my travels. Out of about 30, 4 had real rubber sheets that covered the entire bed, about 10 had plastic mattress covers either on the bed or they would put them on. D.W. When traveling, I take my baby things and wear them, but abstain from wetting. It takes a lot of nerve to ask for a rubber sheet, more than I have. J.D. Regarding motel manager's reactions, I haven't had to contend with them. What happens is that after checking in, I call the housekeeper and ask her if they have a rubber sheet, no one else knows. I have found the best luck in older, established motels rather than the new chains. B.J. What do you say when you call and ask for a rubber sheet? Do you stick around until room service comes to put it on? What kind of reactions do you get from the staff? J.D. Well, I make the request simple. I ask if they have a rubber sheet for the bed. Most times they answer yes or no. On the few occasions they have asked further questions, I have said I am allergic to the mattress or some such. As for waiting, sometimes I do, but most frequently I do not. The anticipation of coming into the room and finding the rubber sheet on the bed is fun. W.F. I was traveling on business in the Washington, DC area, and stayed at one of the real high dollar ($150/night) places. As we all do I looked through the phone book for diaper supply places and found little. But to my surprise, found quite a lot in the hotel services book. Under the listing of all the things they can do, was a section of special health related items. It mentioned wheelchairs, waterbeds, house doctor, and incontinent needs. Like most of us I never ask for the old rubber sheet treatment but the last listing just stirred my blood. I called the number listed. A woman answered and asked to be of assistance. I mumbled that I had night time problems. The woman immediately and discretely asked if a waterproof sheet would help the matter. I said yes, told her my room number, and hung up, quite embarrassed and worried about what I had done. Five minutes later, the concierge of the hotel called to ask if they could be of more assistance. They could send up some "supplies" if need be. By now I regretted what I had started, but had to reply, and eventually had to give her my waist size. I went out to get a few drinks to calm my nerves. When I got back I found the sheets on the bed drawn back and I was worried. But then I remembered that that's what they normally do before you go to bed and there were chocolates on the pillow. I didn't think much of it, and watched some TV. When I got ready for bed I found quite a surprise. Under my pillow was an ATTENDS in my size, and there was also a plastic cover on the mattress. In the bathroom near the shower was a bag marked "sanitary waste". As freaked-out as I was, I couldn't resist, so I put it on, wore it all night and wet it in the morning. This was repeated every night that I was there. P.L. K.R., I wouldn't worry much about the pins, unless the detectors were REALLY sensitive. I've gone through many of them, at several different airports, with 2 sets of keys, containing about 5 keys each. They have never set off the machine, and that's a lot more metal than a couple diaper pins. B.G. I was on the road with a well known music group for many years and stayed at hotels around the world. I found it a real turn on to wet the bed on purpose and then apologize to the maid as she changed the sheets. I would then explain that my protection had leaked and that it might be safer to put a plastic sheet on the bed. The response varied from no reaction at all, to laughter, to discussions about other adult bed wetters who they knew about. One maid stripped the sheets in front of me, and showed me all the stains from previous accidents. M.R. I just returned from a three-day vacation in Reno. I took my diapers and plastic pants along as usual, although I abstained from wetting. One day I forgot to conceal the plastic pants and diaper pins as I usually do. When I returned from my room I found the diaper pins put back in the proper place. I hopefully looked under the sheets to see if a plastic mattress cover had been put on. No luck! I just wanted to let you know not every story has a happy ending. COMPUSERVE QUESTIONS The following appeared in the Human Sexuality Section of Compuserve QUESTION: My question has to do with the main method I use to masturbate. Since I was about 12 years old, I have been masturbating by using diapers. I enjoy it more when I urinate in the diaper and then masturbate while still wearing it. I don't have any hangups with anything else associated with baby things, nor do I have the feelings of acting like a baby. I'm happily married and have been for seven years. I have a 6 year-old daughter. I told my wife about this diaper thing after we were married about a year. At first she did not accept it, but with time she did. My wife and I still do all the things usually associated with normal sex, but I need more sexual release than she does. So usually the diaper is what I turn to. I don't think there is anything wrong with this method of masturbation. But I wonder if other people, male or female, use diapers in this way. How widespread is this practice? Is there a name for it? Where can I turn to for written information or contact with other people who have this interest? Are there catalogs for adult diaper wearers? ANSWER: There are indeed other people who share your interest in diapers (and often other baby paraphernalia as well), a practice called infantilism. The Diaper Pail Fraternity (DPF) Suite 164, 3020 Bridgeway Sauselito, CA 94965, an organization of people with this special interest, claims a membership of more than 1,500. This organization puts out news letters, membership lists, reviews of diaper products, and narrative of personal experience. For on-line contact with others who are sexually involved with diapers, you might try the Adult Baby Support Group, Section 7 of the HUMAN SEXUALITY SIG (GO 18 and apply to SYSOP for membership in this closed section). You'll get a warm welcome from a section leader, Billy, who himself shares your interest. QUESTION: I'm a 39-year-old man. I've enjoyed wearing diapers and plastic pants for as long as I can remember. My wife caught me at it shortly after we were married, and I promised I would do it no more. However, the urge is always there, and I've continued to do it secretly. Is there any approach that would get her to be more accepting of my fetish? Or should I continue to wear my things in private without any hope of sharing my joys? ANSWER: Your question was referred to Consulting Editors sex therapists David E. Nutter, M.D., a psychiatrist, and Mary Kearns Condron, M.S., a psychologist. Here is their advice for you: You have a paraphilia known as infantilism. Some people who do not share your interest in diapers find this kind of behavior to be strange and sometimes frightening. Fortunately, you are not alone in having this particular paraphilia. We would suggest your getting in touch online with a number of other people who share your interest (NOTE: To do so, GO HSX 200. Ask to be admitted to the closed support group called "Adult Babies"). We think that if you continue to hide your interest in diapers from your wife, you could get caught again. She may be quite upset in that she may feel betrayed by your having kept this behavior from her. Many people can tolerate unusual behavior if they are educated about it. Here is a poem written by "Alex," an infantilist, and shared with other "Adult Babies" in the support group. It movingly describes one man's experience, and may be a good introduction for your wife. We suggest you have your wife read this poem and see what her reaction is: If only you would take my hand I could show you my magic land A place of eternal springtime This is someplace uniquely mine My Mommy's lap is always there Safe and warm to banish fear And when I fall and scrape my knee Someone always comforts me My teddy bear and I can play Till darkness overtakes the day When bedtime comes I know I'll see A baby's crib awaiting me My Daddy pins my diaper on I know he loves his little one Then on his lap with Dr. Seuss Nursery rhymes and Mother Goose I suck my thumb and close my eyes Daddy looks at me and smiles Softly kissing my forehead He gently tucks me into bed And if I waken in the night Cold and wet and filled with fright My Mommy is there to ease my fears And wipe away my little tears She brings my bottle of warm milk And with a touch as soft as silk While Mommy hums a lullaby My magic land I know I'll keep As Mommy rocks me back to sleep Now if my hand you cannot take And my land you would forsake Judge not so harshly such as I For fear my magic land would die. If your wife's reaction after reading this poem is not too negative, perhaps you could also share with her your own thoughts and concerns in this area. Then you could slowly approach your particular problem and perhaps she would become more understanding. If she still continues to strongly object to your interest in this particular fetish, then ask her if she would be willing to sit down with a sex therapist and the two of you could discuss the problem together. Often under these circumstances a compromise can be reached or perhaps your behavior could be somehow modified to be more acceptable to her and yet still be enjoyable. QUESTION: Wearing diapers turns me on. I like to pretend I'm a baby. Urinating in the diapers turns me on even more. Then I masturbate while still wearing a diaper. Can I have a normal sex life, other than the diapers? Does this mean I'm gay? I'm a 17-year-old male. ANSWER: Your question was referred to Consulting Editors sex therapists David Nutter, M.D., a psychiatrist, and Mary Kearns Condron, M.S., a psychologist. Here's the insight and advice they offer: You have a condition known as autonepiophilia or paraphilic infantilism. This means being sexually aroused by either the fantasy or the act of being a baby. This particular entity has been classified by John Money, Co-Director of the Sexual Disorders Clinic at Johns Hopkins University, as belonging to the chronophilias, which means essentially that one's sexual arousal patterns are dependent on unusual age groups rather than one's own age group. We at the Sexual Behavior Center have found that most people who enjoy wearing diapers started to realize this during childhood. Then during adolescence this behavior became their predominant fantasy. There are some people who can get aroused only by wearing diapers, urinating in diapers, passing feces in diapers, or lying in cribs. There are others who are aroused not only by infantile behavior but by age appropriate partners as well. The latter would be known as regressed infantilists. The fact that you are interested in diapers has no bearing on sexual preference (attraction to males or females), but in our experience most infantilists are not gay. The possibility of your having a normal sex life depends somewhat on your definition of what is normal. In our experience, these patterns are very difficult to change. But often, with the help of an experienced sex therapist who works with paraphiliacs (it is important to make sure this person has had experience with modifying paraphilic behavior), these behaviors can be modified and fitted into a more conventional lifestyle. TRUE STORIES The following stories were either read from articles, or received by me from adult babies. The interesting thing about the first one is that she too had the desire to be babied. This is a rare situation, as most paraphilic infantilists are males, as will be pointed out later. JILL I arrived at my apartment one evening after work. When I opened the screen door, I found a poorly wrapped package. I picked it up, and went inside. Tom, my future husband was already in the apartment waiting for me, and watched as I opened the package. It contained a dozen, 21 X 40 cloth baby diapers, and three pair of rubber pants. I asked him if he had any idea what this was all about, and he said "no". I just figured that someone was trying to play a joke on us, and let the subject drop. Tom was acting somewhat nervous, and shortly afterward said that he had something very embarrassing to tell me. He was sure that his ex-wife had left the package there in order to force him to tell me about his problem. It seemed that he sometimes had a urinary incontinence problem, and wet the bed at night, and for this reason, he sometimes wore diapers and rubber pants to bed. He was so very nervous about telling me, that my first reaction was; how could she be so cruel as to force him to tell me before he was ready. All I wanted to do at that moment was to hold him in my arms and tell him that it didn't affect my feelings for him in any way. Perhaps the fact that my younger sister had had a bed wetting problem when she was young, made me more acceptable to his problem. We were talking for an hour or so, and Tom asked me if I would please diaper him. I told him that I would, but that he would have to help me because I wasn't sure how to diaper on an adult. After pinning on his diaper, I put a pair of rubber panties on him. After the panties were in place, he held me so tight, and told me that wearing diapers wasn't all that bad. Then he had me pat and rub his bottom, and I could feel that his diaper was already wet. It just seemed that he was trying to test me, to see how I would react to his wearing a wet diaper. I told him as honestly as I could that my feelings on the subject were, that wearing diapers may be a little strange, but it was really no big deal. Our relationship continued, and we both felt that we were growing closer each day. Then one night, out of the blue, he asked me to diaper him for no reason that I could see. I did, and after he was diapered, we had a talk. He told me that he really didn't have an incontinence problem, and just used that as an excuse to wear diapers and rubber pants. He had wanted to wear them for as long as he could remember. After a long discussion, I learned that it wasn't just that he had the desire to wear these items, but wanted with all his heart to be an infant again. At work the following day, I thought about it quite often, and came to the conclusion that I could handle it. After all, he was going to be the father of our children. When children would come into our lives, what would it be like for him, to watch me change, bottle feed, and rock the baby to sleep. Would it make him jealous of his own children, and would I be willing to do less for the man I loved, than I would do for our children? Besides that, I was able to rationalize in my own mind that having a big baby around the house might turn out to be fun for both of us. That night when I got home, I told Tom that I had to go to the store, and asked him to go with me. When we arrived at the store, I went straight for the baby section, and started looking at all the baby things they had. At first, I think Tom thought I was pregnant, but I soon let him know that we were there to shop for him. As I started picking up things like baby bottles, pacifiers, and bibs, I found that I was getting excited about the having a baby in the house. I thought that it was just my maternal instincts kicking in, and didn't give it much more thought. After we got home, I put Tom in diapers, and while we were watching TV, I put a bib on him, had him lay his head on my lap, and fed him a baby bottle. I kept telling myself that this was very strange, but I was enjoying being his mommy. From that night on, Tom was my baby boy and I treated him as such when we were alone together. I loved to see his bottom on a diaper while I would powder or put baby oil on him. When I started the whole process I noticed that he wasn't hard, but by the time the diaper was pinned in place, he would be very turned-on, and after I had pulled his rubber pants up over his diaper, I too was ready for him. He always started by sucking my nipples, just as if he were nursing. It wouldn't take long, and both of us would be ready for intercourse. I loved patting his bottom while we made love, and hearing the sound of his plastic pants against his diaper as he moved up and down. While we were making love, I always got the sensation that I was going to wet myself. I kept telling him this, and one night he told me that if I did, then he would have to diaper me like I diapered him. The first time he told me that, it scared me, but as time went on, and he would tell me that, I would become excited. So excited in fact, that I started trying to wet myself while we were making love. A few times I did let a small amount trickled out, just enough to let him feel it, but he didn't make good on his threat, so I just let let the subject drop. Then about a month later we were getting ready for bed. I had put Tom's diapers and rubber pants on him, and got ready for him to nurse me as he usually did. All of a sudden, he got up, went to the dresser drawer, and took out a diaper. I asked him what it was for, and he told me that it was time that if I was going to wet myself like a baby, then I too, would have to wear a diaper and rubber pants to bed. At first I was a little scared, but as the soft birdseye cloth was pulled up between my legs and pinned in place, I felt a warm glow come over me. I remember thinking to myself "Oh heavens, this is how I would like to be for the rest of my life." For some reason I thought that Tom was just testing me, and would not allow myself to tell him how much I really enjoyed being put into diapers. After he had finished, he asked me if I liked the feeling of having a diaper on, and I told him "It's O K, but it's no big deal". That night, while we were making love, I wet the diaper, and the feeling was more pleasurable than I had hoped for. I wore it all night, and the next day while Tom was at work. Every time I would start to walk to the bathroom to urinate, I would remember that I was wearing a diaper and rubber pants, and would just wet my diaper. The feelings I had are hard to describe, but I every time I wet, I almost had an orgasm, as the warm fluid filled the diaper and spread around my bottom. When Tom arrived home from work, he could tell that I was still wearing the diaper from the night before. When he commented on it, and I panicked, thinking that I might have upset him somehow. I made up some excuse as to why I still had the diaper on, took it off, and told him that I didn't want to do that anymore. I, however, envied him, every time he would wear diapers. Before I met Tom, I knew very little about sex, and sexual pleasure. Therefore, when he was nervous about telling me the first time about his diaper wearing, I thought that he felt it was unacceptable behavior. This is probably why I wouldn't let myself tell him how much I also enjoyed being in diapers. After Tom would leave for work in the morning, I would rush to our bedroom, take a diaper and rubber pants from the dresser drawer, and diaper myself. I would stay that way the whole day until it was time for him to come home. The only draw-back was the fact that I couldn't wet the diaper for fear of him finding it. There were a few times, when he would come home early, and as I heard the car pulling in the driveway, I would rush to the bedroom, and take off the diapers. I never got caught, however, so many times I secretly hoped that I would. I was never able to tell Tom about my desires until just before our divorce. When I did tell him, it was too late. I found out that he loved to diaper me, and would often fantasize about putting me in diapers and treating me like his baby girl. Since our divorce, Tom and I have remained friends, and he calls me often. The subject of diapers always comes up. Usually when he calls, I am already diapered. As we talk, I get more and more turned-on, and always end up wetting my diaper, and peacefully sleeping in it the rest of the night. I would encourage any other wives who may have a husband who likes being babied, to try it at least once with him. If you don't like it, fine. If you do, please don't hesitate to tell your husband how much you do enjoy it. It may open up some new doors to your sexual life, and maybe even save your marriage. DAVID Unlike many Adult Babies, my experiences did not involve diapers as much as rubber sheets, which, fostered an interest in rubber pants. I think this is perhaps because I was an occasional bed wetter until age 12. I do not have any recollection of wearing diapers after age 5 or 6. However, I can remember at around age six the feeling of security and almost euphoria I had when I laid on my youth bed, which had a lightweight tan rubber sheet underneath the cotton one. The sound of it rustling underneath the cotton sheet was the trigger to this feeling. My mother used to tell me how the rubber sheet protected the expensive mattress and how my father would be mad if the mattress got soiled. I knew that if it weren't for the rubber sheet, the mattress would be ruined by my bed wetting, and I would be in big trouble. At age seven I had my tonsils removed, and I remember asking my mother if they would have a rubber sheet on the hospital bed. She said, she was sure that they would. I was looking forward to the visit, little realizing that I would be in no mood to enjoy it, after the operation. There were occasions, during the night when the cotton sheet would work its way off part of the bed, leaving me sleeping directly on the rubber sheet. I remember how smooth and slick it felt as well as the subtle aroma it had. I would take off my pajamas so my whole body could be against the rubber. While wriggling around in this manner I had my first ejaculation. Some other related events are tied in. My mother had some Playtex rubber girdles, and I was attracted to them. I enjoyed putting them on, but I never developed an affinity for them. I had a younger brother who wore rubber pants over his diapers, and I became fascinated with that. His pants were small, but they stretched a great deal, and I could just barely fit into them. Thinking about the use some people make of rubber clothing for its "tightness" and constrictive nature, I know that I am not attracted to the bondage. It's the smell, the smooth feel and sound of the rubber moving, that is stimulating. When I quit wetting the bed, at around age 12, my mother took the rubber sheet off the bed. I asked her to leave it on "just in case but she made a big deal out of the fact that I didn't need this "baby" thing anymore. She stored it in a cedar chest she had. I can clearly remember sneaking it out occasionally and putting it on the bed. I believe this is the way I first masturbated, lying on the rubber sheet, on my stomach, and moving against the smooth surface. Usually I would take the rubber sheet off the bed before morning, but one night I fell asleep and forgot. Well, my mother came in to wake me the next morning, and there I was sleeping on the rubber sheet. I knew she thought that it was wrong, but I didn't know why. She looked at me and asked if I was wetting the bed again. This sounded like a good answer to me, so I said yes. Wrong! She told me to get up, and of course the bed wasn't wet. "I'm going to tell your father" were her next words. I begged her not to, and she finally relented. She threw the rubber sheet in the trash. Disaster had struck. What was I going to do. After several months of trying to suppress my desires I realized it was futile, and decided to see if I could find another rubber sheet. I had no idea how much it cost, where to buy it, how I would buy it, or where I would keep it, after I had it. But I knew I had to get one. Several more months passed with me having no brainstorms, and then one day while we were in a Sears store, I saw a woman buying some rubber sheeting off of a big roll. The roll was wider than the tan rubber sheet which had been on my bed. I later found out it was 54" long, and almost 36" wide. I forget now what it cost, but I looked it up in the Sears catalog we had at home, and saved up enough money to buy two yards of it. Then I waited patiently for the opportunity to buy it. Finally one day, when I was thirteen, I went to the Sears store with my mother and several of her friends. She let me go looking in the store, and told me to meet her at the entrance to the store in half an hour. My chance at last! I had left the car door open and could slip the sack under the front seat. I went to the linen department, made sure my mother and her friends were not around, and got the sales lady. Just seeing that roll, and watching her take off the two yards, cut and fold it was extremely exciting. She put it in a bag and took my money. I sneaked the bag out to the car and slipped it under the seat. My task accomplished I rushed back in to to the store, to meet my mother at the entrance. After we arrived home, I snuck my prize into my bedroom unnoticed, and I decided to hide it in a satchel I had. It was never used, and no one would ever looked in there. Now my dream had come true. I put the rubber sheet on my bed after my parents went to sleep, usually on weekends, when I didn't have to get up for school. I would set my alarm clock for 5:00 AM so I could make sure to take it off the bed before anyone got up. Soon, I found myself wetting the bed during these nights, and the protection the rubber sheet gave brought back the feeling of security I had had before. My interest then turned toward getting some rubber pants. The drugstore near our house sold them for babies, and they had an "extra large" size. Well, I finally bought them, and stored them in my secret cache. The pleasure I had putting the rubber sheet on the bed, wearing my rubber pants, and wetting the bed was ecstatic. Everything went smoothly. I always got everything cleaned, dried, and hidden by 5:30 in the morning. This went on for about two years with no hitches. Then, during the summer of my fifteenth year, we returned from vacation to find that our house had been broken into. As we entered the front door we noticed that the living room was ransacked. My mother became frantic and started running through the house checking all the rooms. I was so shocked, I just stood there not giving things much thought. About fifteen minutes later I went to my room and was horrified to see that all my drawers were emptied onto the floor. Immediately I realized that my satchel may have been opened. I went to the closet which was open, and saw that all my cloths had been gone through. When I looked at the satchel, I saw that it was open, but the rubber sheet and pants were not pulled out, just the top of the sheet was outside the satchel. Whew... I thought I was saved, because I was sure my mother had not been in my room before I got there. The police were called, a list of stolen items was made, and everyone calmed down. Fortunately, relatively little had been stolen. The next day when I got home from school and went upstairs to my room, I was horrified. There, laying over the railing was my rubber sheet. Laying on my bed were the rubber pants. About that time my mother appeared. She said she found them in my closet, and thought it would be nice if I stuffed them back in the satchel so my father wouldn't know. She then asked if I wanted anything added to the list of stolen items, laughed at me, and left the room. From downstairs she called up and told me to do whatever I wanted with my "baby things". I knew she expected me to throw them in the trash, so what else could I do. I brought them down in a paper sack and did what she wanted. That was the last my mother said about the episode, but it made me repress my desires for many years. (From the Compuserve Adult Baby Files) GEORGE I was one of four children. I have an older brother, a younger sister, and a younger brother. Jean, my sister is 16 months younger than I am. My mother decided that she was not going to have two children in diapers at the same time, so I was potty trained by the time I was 14 months old. I believe that this was the beginning of my life long desire to be babied. The earliest recollection I have is not that of wanting to be diapered, but to wear rubber pants. It was a warm summer day, and my sister and I, were outside playing with Gerry, the boy next door. At the time I was five, and Gerry was the same age as my sister, which was four. After awhile, Gerry's mother came out with a jar in her hand. Rather than take Gerry in the house to use the bathroom, she was going to let him pee in the jar. She had him turn his back to my sister and I, and when she pulled down his shorts, we noticed that he was wearing a pair of rubber baby pants. I asked why, and she said it was to protect his shorts in case he had an accident. After we had finished playing, we went back in the house, and the first thing I asked ask my mother was, if I could wear a pair of rubber pants like Gerry. She just kind of shrugged it off, and when my mother did that, it was an emphatic NO! There was no sense pushing the subject, because my mother was one of those who was going to be right come hell or high water. If I had kept at her, I probably would have ended up with a slap in the face. About a year later, my mother was expecting another baby. One day, Gerry's mother, gave me two pair of rubber pants to give to my mother. She said "Since Gerry doesn't wear these anymore, maybe your mother can use them for the new baby." My mother wasn't home at the time, and I thought that this would be the perfect opportunity to try them on. I asked Jean if she would like to try on a pair of rubber pants with me, but she "No". I took off my trousers, and underpants and pulled those wonderful pants on over my bare skin. They were much too small, but felt so nice against my flesh. The fire of passion began running through my body, giving me a feeling that was both strange and wonderful, and I enjoyed every second. With my body on fire, I began to wet in the pants. After a small amount accumulated, it began running down my legs since there was no diaper to catch it. Jean was becoming frightened, and she begged me to take them off. I did, reluctantly. The thoughts of that day kept going through my mind, and more than ever, I wanted to be a baby in rubber pants again. The new arrival in the house didn't help matters any, I started becoming jealous. Not because of the attention he was receiving, but because he was wearing rubber pants...MY RUBBER PANTS... My mother and father named this new arrival, Rob, after an uncle. For the next few years, I kept trying to find ways to be babied. Wet the bed, that didn't help, you only get a wack on the ass. Put rubber pants on, and let mother catch you. That didn't work either, she only made me to go upstairs and take them off. I was about nine, Rob was four, and out of diapers. Then one weekend, Rob got a bad case of diarrhea. He had messed in his pants four of five times and my mother said "I can't take any more of this". I asked her what she was going to do and she said, "I'm going to put Rob back in a diaper and rubber pants." She took Rob up to her bedroom and cleaned him up. Then she went to her dresser and took a diaper and a pair of rubber pants from one of the dresser drawers. As she lifted his bottom, and slid the diaper under him, he began crying. When she put the rubber pants on him, his cries became even louder. She gave him a wack on the bottom, took him to his bedroom, and laid him in his crib. I started begging her to please put a diaper on me. When I say beg, I mean it in the literal sense. I pleaded with her. I stayed with Rob for a awhile telling him how lucky he was to be back in diapers. I again started begging my mother to put diapers on me, and she told me that she didn't have anymore pins. I asked "If I find some pins, will you diaper me?" She said "If you can find some pins that are big enough." The first ones I found were too small, so I started looking all over the house. Not finding any that would do, I started going to neighbors houses, asking them if they had some safety pins my mother could borrow. After about an hour, I came come with two nice, large pins. I asked my mother to diaper me and she said, "not now". I asked her if she would diaper me after dinner, and got the reply that every child hates to hear. "We'll see after dinner." After we finished eating that night, there were dishes to do, cloths to be ironed, etc. Each time I requested my diaper, the reply was always the same "not now, I'm busy." Finally it was time to go to bed, and I asked her again to please diaper me. She told me that she would never diaper me no matter how much I begged for it. I replied with "What if I start wetting the bed at night?" She said "You do that and you won't be able to sit down for a week". Needless to say, I never asked her to diaper me again. Just after this, my aunt had a baby girl. They lived very close to us, and I would go there often. I used to like to watch her change the babies diaper. Once I made the comment that her baby was very fortunate, because she got to wear rubber pants. She shot me a weird look, and I decided not to comment any further, but I continued to watch the diaper changes when ever I could. The next big event happened when I was eleven. My mother sent me to the store. While I there, I noticed a display of rubber baby pants. All different sizes and colors. I decided that I had to have a pair for myself. During the next few weeks, I saved every penny I could, until I had enough to make that much wanted purchase. If I went to the store for any reason, my eyes would always wonder to that lovely display, checking sizes, colors, and how much they cost. After a few weeks, I had the money I needed. Now I had to wait for my mother to send me to the store for something. I just couldn't walk into that small store and make a purchase like that, there would be too many questions. The day finally came when my mother needed me to go to the store for her. While there, I picked up a pair of the largest pale blue rubber panties they had, and put them with the things my mother wanted. I had the money in my pocket, and would just add this to her change. She would never know the difference. The store keeper asked me who the pants were for, and my heart made a loop. I wanted to shout out that they were for me, but responded that they were for my aunt's baby. He put them in with the other things my mother had wanted, and I walked home a very happy boy. I finally had what wanted all these years. When I got home, I went into the garage, and hid my new rubber pants. I went into the house and gave my mother the things she had asked me to get at the store. That finished, I went back out to the garage and took those wonderful pants out of their package, and put them in my pocket. I went back into the house, avoiding my mother, and up to my bedroom. I closed the door, and took off my trousers and underpants. I pulled the plastic pants on just as fast as I could. They were too small, and I had a hard time getting them on. At last they were pressing against my flesh, and the old feelings came back. I was finally back in rubber pants again. I put my cloths back on over them. The feeling was as wonderful as I had remembered years before, and now I could have that feeling whenever I wanted it. I went outside to play, and one of my friends heard the rubber pants rustling under my cloths. I really didn't care who knew it. When he asked me if I was wearing rubber pants, I told him yes. When he asked why, I told him that he would have to ask my mother. I wanted her to know, but just couldn't get up the nerve tell her myself. I thought that if she knew how much I really wanted them, she might let me, or in fact, make me wear them. My friend wouldn't do it, and to this day, my mother still doesn't know that I was wearing rubber pants whenever I could. It didn't take long, and those wonderful pants soon broke out on all sides. I went back to the store on occasion but didn't see any pants that I thought would fit me. I decided that if I couldn't have rubber pants, I would go to diapers. I thought about the diapers my mother had gotten out of her dresser drawer a few years before. There might still some there. I looked frantically every time she left the house, but I could never find any. As I think back on it, she probably used them for dust cloths since no one in that house had been in diapers for years. Now what was I going to do? There were no diapers that I could find, and and trying to buy something like that at the store was out of the question. First of all, I couldn't afford it on my limited budget, and second, trying to get them into the house undetected, would be next to impossible. I knew that if I thought about it long enough, an answer would come to me. I wasn't too long after that, the family made a trip to see my aunt in another city. It was about an hour by car, and we drove there a few times a year. My aunt had four children, ranging in ages from about four to eighteen. The youngest, Steve still wore diapers at night. When it came time for him to go to bed, my cousin, Ginger, took him into his bedroom, and I followed. She got his diaper and rubber pants from a drawer, and laid him on the bed. While she was diapering him, he didn't make a sound. In fact, he had a smile on his face, and I could tell that he enjoyed what was being done to him. I knew the feeling. After she had finished, I told her that I liked to wear rubber pants, and asked her if she would put a pair on me. She told me that rubber pants were for baby's, and I was a big boy, and didn't need them. I pleaded with her, hoping that she would give in. Her reply was "If your mother says it's O K, I'll put them on you". Needless to say that I didn't ask mother. She would have died from embarrassment, and then, she would have killed me. It was getting to the point where I had to do something. But what? It came to me one day after I had taken a bath, and was drying off. I hit me that the towel was like a big diaper. Not as soft, but in a pinch, I was willing to try anything. I proceeded to put the towel on me like a diaper. I had found the answer to my problem and my prayers. When I say prayers, I'm not kidding the least little bit. I used to pray each night that my mother would catch me in my towel diaper, and get so mad, that she would make me wear real baby diapers. I can still hear the words I was hoping to hear her say "If you want to wear a diaper like a baby, then I'll put you in diapers like a baby", but it never happened. I do remember one time when I was about thirteen. I was walking home from school, and I had to potty so bad that I messed in my pants before I got home. When I did arrive home, my mother was so mad she said, "if you ever do that again, I'll just have to put diapers on you". I didn't make a comment, but knew now how I could get my diapers. About a week later, I decided that the time was right. On the way home from school I messed in my pants again. I knew what was coming and I was very happy about it. When I got home, my mother hit the ceiling. Instead of a diaper, I got a good wack on the ass. When I reminded her of what she had said a week earlier, she just dropped the subject. I realized after awhile that she had said it to scare me. After all, a boy my age isn't supposed to want to wear baby diapers. Boy was she ever wrong. I was just going to have to be happy with my towel diaper. Now I had to find some pins to keep it on. I looked high and low for days, but couldn't find any pins that I thought would do. So I did the next best thing. I would wrap my towel diaper around my bottom, and pull my underpants on over it. It felt nice to be diapered, but it stuck out on all sides. It didn't feel as good as a baby diaper, but it was better than no diaper at all. After I finally found some pins, I was wearing my make-shift diaper almost every day. I would go the the attic and put it on. It seemed like I was spending more time in the attic than any other room in the house. One day while wearing my diaper, something startled me, and I found myself wetting my diaper. It felt soooo nice. Afterward, I would hang it up in a secret place while it dried. I did this so often, that it was beginning to smell pretty bad, so I had to get rid of it. I would just go get another towel. Another day, I was in the attic playing like the big baby I was, and I messed in my diaper. I decided to leave it on for awhile, and sat down on the floor. The messy diaper squished into my bottom, and I finally knew what it was like to be a baby again. This was the feeling I had longed for, but I still, however, had a very strong desire to wear rubber pants. My mother started making comments that she couldn't find some of her towels. The thought never occurred to me that she kept track of such things. So, that ended my towel diaper stage. I'm going to skip all the uneventful things that happened to me, and bring you up to the present. I married a woman, who turned out to be a real bitch. She married me to get away from her parents, but that isn't the real reason the marriage didn't last. After being married for about two years, she became pregnant. We would go out shopping for baby things, like diapers, rubber pants, bottles, etc. Every time we went shopping, I would get a warm, secure, feeling around all those baby things. I was working nights, and when she would go out for awhile I would put on one of the baby diapers we had bought, get a baby bottle, and fill it with water. I was laying in bed one day acting like a baby, and she came in. At first, she just looked at me and laughed at her husband laying there in diapers. Then she got mad as hell, and told me that if I ever did it again, she would divorce me. I really tried not to wear diapers again, but it didn't last very long, and sure enough the next time she caught me, we divorced. I started dating other women, and I have found that if a woman really loves you, wearing diapers and rubber pants doesn't really bother her. In fact, out of eight women I can remember dating, six of them wound up wearing them with me. I met my present wife, and told her my desires before we were married. She allows me wear my rubber pants, and diapers anytime I want. She is, however, starting to show signs that it bothers her, but won't communicate her true feelings. There are times that I feel that our marriage may be in trouble, so, I've trying to give up my baby desires, but it just isn't working too well. If it doesn't, she will probably be devastated, and will probably leave me eventually. I just can't, nor do I want, to control what I have inside of me, and I have accepted the fact that I'll be in rubber pants and diapers the rest of my life. The following story is told by Thomas O. Sargent. His name and story are used by permission. What makes this story so interesting is that he is a therapist, with a rubber fetish, but let him tell his own story. TOM I am a rubber fetishist and a professional therapist, in that order. This combination has given me a special view of unusual sexual practices both through my own personal experience and as a result of the large number of other individuals whom I have encountered professionally and personally. For three decades, my lighthearted attitude toward my professional work and my fetish has resulted in aquantances and patients sharing with me things that they have no reason to share with other professionals, and which they often have had reason to conceal. Although my own interest and involvement as a rubber fetishist skews this presentation, I am delighted to take this opportunity to share with you a perspective on my own and some others unusual sexual practices, and to present some dimensions which are rarely, if ever, made available in any sort of scientific literature. I have learned that a fetish is a different thing to each fetishist. My earliest experiences with other rubber fetishists included the pleasant surprise that I have desires similar to others. Also, I discovered three acquaintances are rubber fetishists, a fact I had not known. I met amusing "disapproval" which included such observations as "Why would he ever like that kind of rubber"? It soon becomes obvious that each of us is different, preferring tight or loose, smooth or harsh, cloth supported or unsupported, smelly or odorless. I use this experience in therapy for all sexual response, and agree that "There is more variety in sexual preferences that in eating preferences." Ultimately, the question "Why ?" becomes absurd amidst such extensive variability. The associates which comprise the fetish can be of importance, but with so much variety it can be a waste of time to search for them. The causes are configurations of associations which may be useful for me to understand in order to desensitize the revulsion that most individuals have to whatever fetish they may be blessed with, but are useless for the diagnostic purposes for which they are often pursued. Perhaps not surprisingly, when pursuit of the originating associations is carried out with this light attitude, more information is gained for the client. I have four clear vignettes of memory associated with my early delight with rubber which I present either because they stimulate me in the telling or because they may be important to a therapist or client. One is a woman with long dark hair playing with my penis by stroking it with soft rubber panties and moving her long hair gently and playfully over it. The whole image is intense and all involving. It is loving, fun, sexually exciting (I have no image of the state of my penis), secure, and safe. For me, rubber most often provides all of these experiences in one simultaneous concert of sensations. A second image is that of a moment of pleasant security when I pull back the bed covers far enough to place my hand gently on the rubber sheet of my bed in order to exchange the upset of a forgotten and unpleasant encounter with an adult for the quite tranquility of the soft rubber and its loving associations. A third image is sliding under the cotton sheet to enjoy the rubber after I have been "tucked in" at night, and then engaging in what my mother called "bouncing up and down," still my favorite form of stimulation with my face, and whole body gently moving over the rubber, skillfully massaging my penis between the rubber and my stomach. Orgasm (without ejaculation in my early years) takes place during the play and the play continues beyond orgasm for its tranquility and delight. The fourth image is of a birthday, probably my second but possibly my third. It is important because it is after the other three in time, and is definitely in a home that we left about the time of my third birthday. The rubber is in the form of solid rubber animals, smooth and rubber smelling but rather hard and of little sexual use. For me, this sharp but unarousing image dates for me and provides perspective on my early sexual history. By the time I was three I was a full blown rubber fetishist. No raincoat, bathing cap, or pair of baby panties was (or is) safe from me. The origin of my rubber fetish is obviously at the pleasing hands of an adult. This causes many of the several thousand fellow professionals who have heard my story to attempt to make that encounter traumatic. It was not, in any way. Recently one person tried to have me admit that I might have suffered when I discovered what a horrible thing was done to me, but I haven't discovered that yet. To underscore the peripheral associations with all sexual practices, there is one result which has caused me difficulty throughout my life. Emotionally, I have, ever since, sought the answer to why she stopped. What did I do ? This has certain difficult results in my world today, particularly if I am faced with a gentle woman with long dark hair and brown eyes, and then all my associations run and tell me to do anything to regain this ancient love fantasy. Such oblique associations sometimes are important to a client either as sources of allied life problems or as extensions of sexual pleasure and fantasy. Information from almost two hundred rubber fetishists suggests that most such associations begin at puberty, although it may be that earlier experiences are not remembered but are stimulate at puberty. Others reported beginning in very early childhood, similar to me. Several began when cotton sheets were taken away from a bed wetter, leaving direct contact only with the rubber. A few report continuing to wet just often enough to keep the stimulating substance around them every night. Some report continuing to enjoy bed wetting as part of the complex of associations, and I often thank my guardian angel (with rubber wings) that I love the tranquility, sexual stimulation and the initiating female, and that I am not stuck with sexual associations like urine which would cause social problems. Professional behavior in relation to my rubber fetish was supportive, even if inaccurate. As a child I was told, with great kindness by my mother, that "Dr. Brayton says not to worry about bouncing up and down. He says that you will outgrow it by the time you are twelve." He, my pediatrician, was warm and kind about it, and I appreciate the impact of his support in my life. I had no inkling of being weird, no guilt, in contrast with many of my fellow fetishists at the hands of their professionals. I hoped that I wouldn't outgrow it, and I didn't. My only complaint is how often my mother would discover my rubber supply and quietly remove it. I just hid it more carefully and sought more supplies, like the sheet of soft rubber dam my dentist gave me for some cooked up purpose. By age nine, my grandfather's raincoat came into the house and I made love to it without ever being discovered. I still have a sheet of rubber from it after fifty years. At the same time I discovered that on rainy days, my teacher had an incredibly soft rubber cape, so I often behaved adequately badly to be sent for penance to the "cloak room". Simply stated, my life involved rubber as a central element from my earliest years, and still does as I enter my sixties. Neither my mother nor professionals stimulated any guilt. I had one encounter with a psychiatrist regarding my fetish. In college I questioned whether I was overlooking something in my continued delight with rubber. So I talked with a psychiatrist after church one day and we moved into privacy for a few moments. He told me that if I felt guilty (discovering that I was unusual seemed like guilt) I could either lay the guilt or the rubber to rest. Keeping both could be emotionally disruptive. I like this model of offering to eliminate guilt in place of eliminating the sexual practice, and have used it ever since as a therapist. For me, of course, I chose to keep the rubber. Immediately after that I acquired a set of Havelock Ellis' Studies in the Psychology of Sex (1903/1936), which I read with the same effect of desensitization that is so widely used now in sex therapy. I had experimented with "getting rid" of the "habit" in high school and discovered that the more I tried to cut down on making love to my rubber, the more I did it because it was more on my mind, a fact that I would run into later in AA. In all of this I could only find two reasons to wish to end the "habit", that I used other people's rubber coats (usually returning them) and that I consumed so much time in the lovemaking. The latter continued to be extensive, usually a half hour or so, gently loving my whole body and penis, on "cloud nine", delighted and tranquil, about twice each day. This reverse of the usual male hurried masturbatory practice later pleased my female partners, because I can last a long time, thanks to my extended rubber play. Another encounter with professionals was my sex education class, in the nineteen-thirties. Nothing there stimulated any guilt, so I suspect that much was imposed about "normal" sexual behavior. It was during the course of this class that my regular orgasms suddenly included ejaculation, so I had an idea of what was happening when a small amount of slightly bloodily ejaculate lay on the white rubber panties I was making love to. I suspected that it was the first breaking through of the ejaculate, and the next was less bloody, and more ejaculate, and the third, on the next day, was without blood. It was at the same time that I discovered that I could add to my excitement by thinking of the girl across the street while loving my rubber. The class helped me integrate my experiences with my knowledge. Probably the most significant thing about my rubber fetish is its impact on my personality. It has taught me a base of tranquility to which I can easily return either through loving my rubber, just touching it, or through similar associations. In a strange way, my love is both outwards, and towards myself, so I don't quite fit in the narcissistic mold. As I work as a therapist and a trainer I come, more and more, to be thankful for the learning which has come from my rubber fetishism. I understand the power of association in the human mind, and how, the more I wish to turn off a habit or behavior pattern, the more it is present. My relief of tensions through my rubber fetish has given me understanding of how nonsexual situations lead to sexual, often through the interpersonal meanings for the individual or those around him. In some sex offenders the nonsexual associations, similar to my seeking relief from interpersonal stress by enjoying the delights of my rubber, are the triggering mechanisms of the offensive behavior. If the therapist and client focus on the sexual behavior rather than the peripheral associations, the illegal behavior is more likely to persist. For example, if my use of rubber were illegal, my therapist could assist me best by helping me find another way to relieve or interrupt my interpersonal stress. The dynamic becomes more complex when I learn to increase my interpersonal stress in order to enjoy my rubber more often. In that common situation, the client and the therapist must also address the dynamic between sexual behavior and the periphal associations. My rubber fetish has increased my understanding and my flexibility about the meaning of any given sexual response in the lives of my friends and my patients. My delight in rubber is a gift I share with my friends and occasionally patients. My own ease with rubber is well known among my colleagues. They tease me. They ask questions for their patients. Acceptance needs to go on to unqualified delight. That's what I enjoy, and that is often what I succeed in communicating to others. In my own presentations of my rubber fetish I do not fail to enjoy some good laughs at myself. This is because I take myself seriously, seriously enough to laugh at things that are absurd. For example, the number of times I have received disapproving looks from women wearing rubber raincoats who thought I was looking at them, and from men who mistook my absorbed gaze as sexual attraction to them. I go nuts over rubber coats, and will take the time to follow or cross a street just to prolong the delight of sound or vision. Then I will hurry to a place where I can love my rubber while fantasizing about the one I saw. Or I will lay on top of another, and be very promiscuous by loving the red while fantasizing about the blue, and maybe go to get the blue and become distracted by the black. It's a delight. One day in a store I watched for a long time as a lady tried on a yellow poncho. She stood and posed in front of the mirror, smoothing the soft rubber over her breasts. I was standing at the rack, touching the same soft rubber. She came over, returning it with a warm smile. Dark hair, and brown eyes - the coat was still warm as I scooped it up and bought it. It is still a favorite fantasy. Or the small department store which always had a supply of various kinds of rubber coats (if I don't have a particular style or color, I must ) After years of buying there I was looking for a particular coat in my size. The salesman took me to a private loft upstairs where there were hundreds of rubber coats. I do not know if someone there shared my fetish, but it was my idea of heaven. I took lots of time, so the salesman asked me if it was all right if he left me alone. All Right ? There was a long flight of stairs up to the loft, and I could hear clearly, so I went around my heaven with a delightful erection, and sampled the softness of the rubber against my penis. Every coat in the collection. Then I took a few and laid them on a flat surface and made love to them. It was incredible. I repeated the whole scenario three or four times, but I was a good customer, so there was never any trouble. The last time, just before the store was sold, and torn down, I decided on a rack of police raincoats. I arranged them in a line, evenly spaced, and when I came, I made sure that I hit all of them, just a little each. So the police in that town have a little of me on their raincoats. So do all those people who are wearing coats that I returned in exchange for another color or size or style. It's silly and fun. A few friends have even loaned me their rubber coats or rubber gloves, knowing how I was going to use them. One day, I was with a friend and someone in her living room started talking about sex. It soon turned to my rubber, and another noticed that I was wearing a rubber shirt. Right away I turned to my hostess and said, "Betty you know that soft, amber douche bag in the bathroom ? It's no longer a virgin!" These and other stories encourage stories from my friends and patients, but they also support ease with their "peculiarity". After the wife of a transvestite heard me tell some of my foolish escapades, she went out with her husband in drag one night to pick up a fast food order. She left him in the parking lot directly under a light for all to see. He went nuts for glee, fear and embarrassment, and suffered only one sexual approach by a male. This helped their ease with his transvestitism. From the Journal of Social Work and Human Sexuality (1988 Pages 30-38) THE WEARING OF DIAPERS AND RUBBER PANTS IN A 29 YEAR-OLD MALE Walter W. Tuchman, M.D. and Jordan H. Lachman, M.D. Recently a patient was admitted to the Bellevue Pyshciatric Hospital's Prison Service for observation after being charged with manually manipulating the genitalia of his 6 year-old and 4 year-old daughters. During the first interview, he told that his wife had urged him to seek psychiatric treatment some months before when she learned he was wearing diapers and rubber pants. The patient was a 29 year-old married white male who worked as a milk man. He was born in New York City, but spent his formative years in rural New Jersey, and New Hampshire. He described his family as not being close. Mother was the disciplinarian and he was punished often by her. The Father was described as a compliant, submissive man who was ultimately sent away by the mother. He went as far as the 6th grade without academic difficulty although he was constantly accused of having fights with other boys. He claimed that it was his brother who actually fought. At age 12, he quit school to work on the family farm. From age 10, until 13 he stated that he wore diapers which he managed to conceal from the family, often hanging them in the woods to dry. He was unable to recall, or unwilling to admit any sexual fantasies or masturbation at the time he was wearing diapers, or what lead to their use. At age 13 he was arrested for burglay, explaining that he needed the money because his mother never gave him any. The next two years, were spent at the State Home for Boys in Hew Hampshire. During this period his parents seperated, his mother retaining the farm and operating it. Upon his return at age 15, he began an incestuous relationship with his 11 year-old sister. This lasted about 3 months and involved relations twice a week. This was terminated when his when his mother had him placed in a State School at Laconia. He felt that is was because he knew of her affairs with men. When he left the school, he did odd jobs, dated a few girls, but had no sexual relations until after he was married at age 21. He was in the Army for two years from age 20 to 22, receiving an Undesirable Discharge, the aftermath of 3 Courts Martial for AWOL. At age 23 he stated that he resumed the wearing of diapers, and rubber pants which continued until two months prior to his admission when discovered by his wife. During that time, he had various jobs including dance hall bouncer, and security guard. He was most recently working as a milkman. In interviews he was cautious, and guarded but he spoke more freely about his pattern with regard to his present job. He wore diapers and rubber pants when collecting money on his route, but not while delivering milk. He noted that he had an almost continuous erection on these days, and related this to thinking about women from whom he received the money. The erection was concealed by the pressure of the rubber pants holding it close to his abdomen. At some time during the day, he would go to the roof of a building, undo the diaper on one side, and would masturbate. After repinning the diaper, he would continue on his route. There were times when he voluntarily urinated into the diaper, and kept it on occasionally wringing it out and replacing it. After his wife discovered this, he visited an out patient clinic once prior to his arrest. Psychological testing using the WAIS revealed a Full Scale I.Q. of 97. Projective material was indicative of an inadequate, emotionally immature individual who viewed mature women as demanding, aggressive, and rejecting, and who saw interpersonal relationships as usually destructive, and dangerous with the exception of those involving children, and possibly homosexual ones. The pattern of solitary gratifaction and the turning to his daughters for sexual gratification is indicative of the patient's adaptive failure, sexually, in that the other avenues of possible gratification were appently blocked, for example, a prostitute, or an extramartial affair. In fact it was only in the fantasies of the women on his route that orgasm was obtained. These adult women represented phallic women and were unapproachable in reality like mother, and, like her, potentiall castrating. This necssitated a passive orientation toward them with retreat to fantasy of an approach to females who are "not women", like the daughters. Schilder has emphasized the relation of cloths to body image. The rubber pants he used are ordinarily used by mensturating women. That diapers and rubber pants are also used by infants permit the simultaneous fusion symbolically of child and mother. The regressive quality and symbolism of the behavioral pattern suggests a schizophrenic mechanism. Reported in the Americal Journal of Psychiatry (1964) (pp 1198-1199) THE WEARING OF DIAPERS AND RUBBER PANTS BY AN ADULT MALE Sidney Malitz, M.D. The patient was a 20 year-old college student who was suspended from school in a small university after having been caught by the police breaking into the home of a local family. After hearing his story, the judge suspended his sentence and placed him on probation for one year provided the patient sought psychiatric treatment, which he did. The reason for breaking into the house was a compulsion to wear diapers and defecate in them. The defecation was always accompanied by orgasm either with or without masturbation. The patient was aware that this particular family had an infant and, therefore, would have diapers in the house. This episode was only one of many similar ones. He never attempted to take anything else, nor was the act of breaking and entering in itself a source of orgastic satisfaction. He would break into the same house only once but would repeatedly steal diapers from the doorsteps of a number of homes. If rubber pants were available, the patient would wear them over the diapers. He would always remove the soiled diapers and leave them in the house before departing. Frequently, he would have the fantasy of an older woman hovering in the background while he was defecating, "smiling approval at me." As therapy progressed, he suddenly realized that she bore a striking resemblance to his mother. The patient's mother first noted him donning diapers when he was seven years old, following the birth of a sister. He would surreptitiously steal diapers from a pile set aside for the baby, defecate in them, and leave them for his mother to find. She reprimanded him, and after about six months, his behavior ceased. The patient significantly repressed this memory. His first recollection of wearing diapers was shortly after puberty, at age 13 or 14. He would steal diapers from the back porches of neighbors who had babies, don them in a secluded area near the house, defecate, masturbate, and then leave the soiled diapers near the back door in the trash can. He was never discovered in this activity. Often he would wait for the diaper home delivery man and became expert at noting his arrival times. As he grew older, he would occasionally buy diapers and perform the ritual in his own home. In these instances he disposed of the diapers elsewhere. Because he felt that frequent buying of diapers in the small, upper middle class community in which he lived might become too conspicuous, he began to break into the homes of neighbors with infants to obtain them. He was never caught in his home town but had a neighbor run after him with a gun, and shoot at him. While he was frightened, this did not suffice to deter him from his compulsion. During the first year at an out-of-town college, the compulsion increased to an unbearable degree, interfering with his studies and ending in his ultimate discovery and apprehension by the police. All of his forays at school were at night, and none of his schoolmates had the slightest suspicion regarding his behavior. He was a handsome boy, very popular with his friends, an excellent athlete, socialized readily, dated and was extremely polite and well mannered. He insisted throughout the course of therapy (which was analytically oriented and face to face three times a week for six months and then twice a week for six months) that before treatment began, he was petting and having intercourse regularly with casual acquaintances, concurrently with the diaper compulsion. If true, this behavior would be quit unusual as one would expect that the arrest or regression in sexual development indicated by the diaper fetish would interfere with adult genital satisfaction. For several years before entering treatment, the patient had harbored a great deal of conscious resentment against his father and they had frequent arguments, several times leading to fist fights which had to be stopped by the mother. The patient's mother was a well organized, self-possessed, rather cold individual who was obssionally successful in managing her family. She usually sided with her husband in his altercations with the patient. The patient's father was an extremely cold, controlled but successful business man. The patient's sister was not known to have any special problems and got along well with both parents. As so frequently happens when the patient is propelled into therapy because of the threat of court action, the patient initially did not resume his diaper compulsion behavior out of fear of imprisonment, but the compulsion remainded. As his therapy progressed, however, and he was able to ventilate his resentment of his father, and his previously repressed strong attachment towards his mother, the compulsion to steal diapers and to defecate in them subsided. He began going steady with a girl, of his own age, and indulging in sex relations regularly, apparently to the satisfaction of both. He denied any potency problems. The patient's therapy was terminated six months ago, and thus far he has had no desire to return to his old patterns. Reported in the American Journal of Psychiatry (1966) (page 1435-1437) In the preceeding case, Dr. Malitz states "before treatment, he was petting and having intercourse regularly with casual acquaintances, concurrently with the diaper compulsion. If true, this behavior would be quit unsual as one would expect that the arrest or regression in sexual development indicated by the diaper fetish woult interfere with adult genital satisfaction". We now know now, that this is not the case. Most paraphilac infantilists have a higher sex drive than normal, sometimes leading to intercourse or masturbabtion to excess, and are treated with sexual depressant drugs to assist them in overcoming these desires. (Money 1986) This will be covered in more detail in the section on Treatment of Paraphiliac Infantilism. As stated in my opening, I feel early potty training is probably a very big factor in those who return to being Adult Babies. In Thomas Speaker's, survey, 60 percent of the those responding do not remember, or did not, wear diapers after the age of three. In the opinion of some doctors, who have done extensive research into the subject of bedwetting, early potty training is a major contributing factor. After reading much of this material, I am of the opinion that bedwetting, in some cases, is a desire to be an infant in diapers again. The child, however adequate, should not be asked for bladder control too early, because he must be given the opportunities to live out his urethral impulses - the pleasure he derives from letting go of the urine when he feels the urge. In addition, psychoanalysis has taught us to understand the autoerotic pleasures derived from sensations on the skin - the warm, wet, ticklish irritations. In working with the younger child of two or three years, we can appreciate the importance of these skin pleasures, which are not only permissible, but seem to be essential to the child's well being (Freud, 1905). Often, when an adult, concerned about the child's discomfort of being wet, questions him about it, the child (to the adults surprise) is likely to say "But I like the feeling of being in a wet diaper." (Sperling 330) Newly born infants, whose occasional erections have mentioned, can often be observed touching the genitalia in search of pleasure sensations. It appears that the infantile self-gratification is not exceptional, but widespread; it involves a universal physiological need. The child requires an unlimited amount of love (pleasure) to be able to withstand the many dangers and threats of his early life. (Stekel page 37) With varying degrees of frequency, nearly all children masturbate and it comes almost as a surprise to discover that many pediatricians are unaware of this fact. Henoch described the infant's rocking motions as signals of masturbatory stimulations. Not all masturbation must be manual, though every infant also unfailingly reaches out his hand oward his genitalia. Masturbation is achieved most frequently by way of rocking motions, by pressing the thighs against each other, or through the sensation of tepid dampness coming from soiled diapers. (Stekel page 42) It is not sufficiently well known that the passage of urine frequently serves the infant as a form of sexual gratification. According to Freud, the development of the genital zone to its dominant role in sexual life occurs in puberty after all other erogenous zones have been relegated to secondary positions. This generally correct view requires one rather important qualification. The genital organs tend to acquire primary significance even in the first years of life. I would go so far as to say that this is the rule and that the strongest sexual stimulations are most pronounced in those parts of the body which are organically predestined to play a prominent part in all future sex life. To be sure, such stimulations do not at first go hand in hand with outspokenly sexual functions. But they concur with the other functions of the genital organs, and urination is, of course, one of them. The life of the infant may be conceived as a succession of pleasurable sensations interrupted by short or long intervals of discomfort. The infant derives its pleasure not only from sucking, but also from moving its bowels, passing urine, muscular mobility, being bathed, scratching, and from the humid warmth of soiled diapers. The infant's blissful facial expression during urination often betrays its pleasure. At a later stage, babies indulge in all sorts of playful handling of the performance. For instance, they retard urination to increase the pleasure of the initial pressure of urine against the sphincters. Older children often admit that they experience a pleasurable prickly sensation at the passage of urine. The occasional final stricture of the bladder muscles brings a slight pleasurable thrill. It is a fact known to few pediatricians that micturition is the given form of infantile emission. It is very often also the culmination of the infantile auto-erotic act: that is, a sort of orgasm. (Stekel pages 211-212) All of these sensations as pointed out by Dr. Sperling and Dr. Stekel appear to be very important. Some of the Paraphilac Infantilists I've talked with seem to have missed these infant pleasures. Most of them masturbate in their diapers, and receive great pleasure while fantasizing about being an infant again. Some cannot have a normal sexual relationship without wearing a diaper, or using some other infantile item, while fantasizing about their infantile desires, and thereby obtaining sexual gratifaction either during intercourse, or masturbation. As one adult baby so aptly put it in the Questions Section of this essay "How can I be responsible for something that happened to me when I was only two or three year old?" I know of one instance, where a child of four, was wetting the bed. She had been dry for about a year prior to this. Her mother tried all the usual things, such as withholding fluids two hours before bedtime, etc. Nothing seemed to work. She then decided that she was going to diaper her daughter at night. I asked her why she had decided on this course of action, and if she had thought of the psychological effects it might have on her daughter. She told me that she decided to use diapers, because it was easier to wash a diaper everyday than all the sheets. As for the psychological effects, there didn't seem to be any change in her daughter's normal attitude, and her daughter showed no signs that wearing a diaper at night bothered her at all. She said that she was quite surprised by a comment her daughter made the first night she decided to use diapers. Her daughter asked her, "Am I going to get to wear rubber pants too?". The daughter was in diapers for a period of about three months, and informed her mother that she didn't like it anymore, and stopped her bedwetting. I asked the mother at what age she had started toilet training her daughter. She informed me that althought she started when her daughter was 18 months old, it wasn't until she was 26 months old that she became completely dry both day and night. If we look carefully at the true stories in this essay, we find that Jill, David, and George all liked the feeling of a wet bed or diaper. I have recently corresponded with both Jill, and George, and their desires are just as strong as ever. George has informed me that his fight to give up his diapers isn't going well, and has started wetting the bed at night. He is still concerned about his wife's attitude. She, however, has been very supportive, and George is seeing a physician to see if there is a physical problem causing his bed wetting. His wife feels that his bed wetting is due to his strong desire to wear diapers, that his subconscious is taking over and making him wet the bed so he will have to wear diapers. Stekel stated "Infantilism is on the increase". I don't know that it is truly on the rise, I think that more people are realizing these feelings and acting on them. Today's society is accepting the lifestyles of homosexuals, transvestites, transsexuals, etc. Why then wouldn't they be more tolerant of the person who wants to wear diapers for his own pleasure. It has been reported to me that when an adult baby is wearing his diapers in public, under regular adult cloths, that no one seems to notice, even if plastic pants are worn over the diapers. Some have told me that they are sure that at one time or another someone has given them a suspecting look, but no comment, or indication that they were wearing diapers was given to them. The feeling is, that it was dismissed as being too bizarre or embarassing to make a comment. PRODUCTS AND SUPPORT There are currently two main support groups for the Adult Baby. The Diaper Pail Fraternity (DPF) has a few thousand members on it's membership rolls. The other is a computer network called Compuserve. They have a closed section in which adult babies pass messages, tell of their experiences and fantasies, and meet online once each week. This is the group that has given me much insight into the world of the adult baby. I would encourage anyone with an interest in infantilism to join either or both of these groups. PRODUCTS DPF offers it's members many services. There is a bimonthly newsletter, and the Adult Baby can order many of his/her products from DPF. They contract with manufactures of baby cloths, and other infant items to make these products in adult sizes. There are also other locations where items may be purchased. I have listed those companies and their addresses at the end of this essay. A product that seems to be gaining popularity are hypnotic and subliminal tapes. The tapes have varying degrees, allowing the subject to customize each tape to his/her own situation. There are eight different levels, as they are called. Level eight gives the subject the ability to become totally free of all inhabitations, while level one allows the subject to regress himself into becoming a total, and complete baby by using a keyword repeated three times. Here is a how one person describes using the total incontinence tapes and how they worked for him. When I finally received the tapes, I listened to side one of the hypnotic tape right after dinner. The relaxation and imagery were quite good, and I used my own customized suggestions as follows: 1) I have given up all conscious, voluntary control of my bladder and sphincter muscle. 2) I will automatically and uncontrollably empty my bladder and bowels as soon as they begin to feel full. 3) I will wet, and mess uncontrollably, like a baby in my diapers or pants at all times. 4) I will drink eight to ten glasses of liquid every day. 5) I will not feel ashamed, or embarrassed about wetting or messing in my diapers or pants. After using side one of the tape, I listened to the subliminal tape three times the rest of the evening. Before I went to bed, I put the hypnotic tape into my auto reverse tape deck, and listened to side one, and two completely two times. It was almost midnight, and I changed my wet diaper, and went to sleep with the subliminal tape running on the tape deck beside my bed. The next morning, I awoke in a wet diaper, and as I walked to the bathroom to shave for work, I messed in my diaper. I took the subliminal tape to work with me, and while riding the bus, listened to it in my walkman. I also listened to it at work a few times. During the day, Thursday, I still seemed to have to try to wet my diapers. Thursday night I repeated the process. While listening to the tape after dinner, I woke in a wet and messy diaper. It felt great to me. Friday morning when I awoke, again I had wet and messed in my diapers, I couldn't recall when it had happened. Friday evening, I went to the movies with a friend, and when I got up to leave the movie, I found that I had soaked my diapers to the point that my pants were also wet. I wrapped my jacket around my waist to hide the wet spot on my trousers. I played the hypnotic and subliminal tapes for the next few nights, and soon realized that I was both wetting, and messing my diapers helplessly with no control whatsoever. This is what I had always wanted, to wet and mess in my diapers like a little baby, and to enjoy the sensations of complete loss of control. Then, there is the person who goes to a hypnotist to obtain the same results. Some people use this method when the audio tapes fail to produce the desired result. This is a much harder avenue to follow in that there are few hypnotists who will perform such a function for one of their patients. Here, is how one person describes that method to gain the desired results. I couldn't find a way of communicating my desire to be babied to my wife. I thought that if I wet the bed she would make me wear diapers and plastic pants at night. I used the hypnotic bed wetting tape daily, for a week, without my wife's knowledge. Although I found the tape to be a very relaxing experience, I did not achieve bedwetting. My desire was so strong, that I decided to talk with a hypno-therapist to see if I could reach my goal under actual hypnosis. Using the telephone book, I called five people, but they would not cooperate when I told them what I desired. They though it such a strange request, and didn't want to get involved. I finally find one who thought, all thought, it was a strange request, he would try to assist me. I arrived at his office, and we talked for about a half hour. We never discussed directly why I wanted to become a bedwetter. However, he did tell me that other people had wanted to achieve things in their lives which might have been considered "bazzare". His attitude seemed to be that, if it was something that someone really wanted, and it wouldn't be a threat to the rest of society, it was OK. It took about fifteen minutes, and I was out, like a light. He then, with very good judgment, implanted a suggestion in my subconscious mind. I was to repeat a key phrase three times to myself just before going to sleep if I wanted to wet the bed that night. This way, I would not embarrass myself if I happened to be in a situation where I didn't want to wet the bed at night. It all went very well, and I am now wetting the bed at night, on command, so to speak. My wife isn't sure yet what we should do about it, but the talk of diapers has come up. I feel that it won't be long now before I'll be a diapered, bedwetting, baby boy again. It should be stated that I have talked to other people who have tried both methods, and have had little or no success with either of them. The degree of success seems to vary greatly with each individual, their mental attitude seems to be the greatest barrier in achieving the desired goals. SUPPORT GROUPS Compuserve is a support group, and does not offer any products. The group meets once each week, and discusses those things which affect their daily lives. There are also files which contain a wealth of information on being, and coping with the adult baby world. There are messages passed from one member to another on a variety of subjects. From how his wife accepts his baby activities, to how he enjoys going out in public in diapers and plastic pants under his adult cloths. It is interesting to note that 90 percent of those in the group thought that they were the only one who had these feelings, and were elated when they found this group. The other 10 percent were sure that they couldn't be the only one who had ever had these feelings, but didn't realize that such a support group existed. I have found that the members of the group are very caring, and truly feel for each others needs and desires. Many of those who are single would very much like to meet a woman who would be comfortable with their wanting to be a baby. Not all, ask their wives to participate in their activities, but as seen from Dr. Speaker's survey many, feel that it enhances their sex lives. Wives are also encouraged to participate in the Compuserve group to talk with each other about their feelings, and how they cope with having an adult baby in the home. I think that the Adult Baby Forum would like to have more wives participating, as the number of wives at this time is very low. I also think that the section leader would like to have enough wives participating that they could have their own closed group. This way they could talk about their individual situations in private with each other, rather than in the group where the husbands are listening in, so to speak. The Diaper Pail Fraternity (DPF), is another group of people that has a very strong support system for it's members. At the present there are about 1,500 members of DPF. DPF publishes a bimonthly newsletter, informing their members on new products available, answers questions, has a roster of names and addresses of other adult babies, etc. DPF has seen an increasing membership roll in it's ten year existence. Many members feel that DPF has saved them from self-distruction, in that, they know they are not alone. How did such an organization get started ? Here is a history of DPF supplied by Tommy, one of the confounders of DPF. The story begins in the late 1970's when I placed some magazine ads in attempt to find other people interested in diapers and little boy fantasies. I soon found myself corresponding with and meeting a handful of new friends around the country. In March 1980, on a trip to New York, I met someone, and we talked about the difficulties in finding and sharing with others with the same interests. He said what we really needed was a Fraternity. His words stuck in my mind. A few weeks later I decided to give it a try by sending out letters to all my new friends. By June 1st, I was ready to begin publishing the first DPF Information Letter, as it was known in those days. There were 16 people that first, very tiny roster. In those early days, because the membership was so small, I could run off the DPF Information Letter on my company's Xerox machine late at night when no one was around. Still, I was afraid of what might happen if someone ever caught sight of the "contents" of the material. DPF was just a hobby to me, but it continued to grow year, by year. In the mid-80's, it became very apparent that I would have to print the Newsletter. I wondered what people would think about it, even in liberal San Francisco. It didn't seem to phase them at all, but, that was before I went back to pick up the job. You should have seen the looks, and heard the giggles from the two young guys who ran the Xerox machines. The next major turning point came in the summer of 1987. Job dissatisfaction, and a growing confidence in DPF's potential convinced me it was time to quit my job, and career, and make DPF my full time work Boy, was I scared. I had always been an employee working for a large or midsized company, so the loss of a steady income was terribly threatening. I reacted by cutting my budget, buying a small, used car and counting paper clips. The response to the new products, hypnotic tapes, Story Supermarket, etc., exceeded all expectations. DPF kept constantly expanding with each new issue of the Newsletter as we found more and more ways to bring happiness and fun into people's lives. Today, I count my blessings, and consider it a privilege to be able to contribute to the happiness of so many people. There is another group that recently started called Adult Baby World. They published their first magazine and catalog two months ago. They have some of the same products that DPF carries, but not the assortment that DPF offers. This group known as ABW, is located in Canada, and although they are the new kids on the block, they seem to have a large following already. The adult babies I talked with recently are willing to support both groups, which brings up the point that they is enough interest in infantilism that both DPF and ABW can co-exist without hurting each other. THERAPY David E. Nutter, M.D., a psychiatrist, at the Sexual Behavior Center, and Dr. John Money, a psychiatrist, formally with John Hopkins, answered some of the questions that I posed on Paraphilic Infantilism. I felt that they could best answer some questions that came to mind while writing this essay. Question: Is it possible to tell that a patient is an infantilist without the patient revealing it to the doctor first ? Nutter: Generally No. Money: It is highly unlikely, but of course, the stated term need not be used Question: In you opinion is is possible to treat an infantilist, to the point where the desire to be an infant will be overcome, or is it more of an "acceptance" type cure? Nutter: It is possible to try and treat infantilism thru psychoanalysis, behavior therapy or antiandrogen medication. However, it is my opinion that it is better to help the infantilist to try and accept his behavior. If for strong moral reasons someone wishes to stop his behavior, then one of the above methods can be applied. Usually antiandrogen plus psychotherapy is the most successful. Money: Either alternative is possible, depending on individual effectiveness. Also, it's possible to try each as to know personally, which one suits best. Question: Are most infantilists male or female, and what is the approximate ratio ? Nutter: Most, if not all infantilists are male. The ratio is considered to be about 9 male to each female. Question: What is generally believed to be the reason for a person having a autonepiophilic lovemap, and is it possible that early toilet training could have an effect ? Nutter: I am open to any suggestions. Money: Quite possible, but more data are needed. It would make a good research project. Question: Why more males than females have the paraphilic lovemaps ? Nutter: This is true of most of the pharaphilias, that is more men than women have these sexual lovemaps. I suspect the reason for this is a biologic predisposition to paraphilic behavior in men. Therapy is a very hard area to deal with. There are probably as many types of therapy being used as there are people seeking therapy. The first two, would be very welcomed by the adult baby, but to my knowledge, neither has ever been tried as a treatment method for this type of paraphilia. The question, or course, is if these would really work in that instance. If a patient were made to be an infant for an extended period of time, would he soon tire of it, and return to normal lifestyle without the desire to be babied ? Would it slowly return in a period of time ? Or, would he just enjoy the whole experience, never giving up his infant desires ? One type of treatment, being used in Fredrecksburg, Virginia is for those having a condition known as Hebephrenic Schizophrenia, and deals with re-parenting. Dr. Jacqui Lee Schiff operates this clinic, and told of her experiences in her book "All My Children" (Pyramid, 1970): We have learned how real a regression has to be,that a baby (in this this case an adult patient), must be a baby, can't be expected to think like a university student, and should not have to use his adult. Now we put all our babies in diapers, and feed them from baby bottles and let them sleep as much as they like. When they are hungry, they cry. Both Elizabeth, and Eric had trouble learning to do that. When they are older, they chew on teething rings and pretzels and start eating traditional baby foods. Eventually they learn to crawl, to talk, and begin to feed themselves. The two-year-old negativistic stage is always a problem. For awhile, I thought Eric might never get toilet trained. If we meet the child's needs during the regression, the need for therapy is almost eliminated completely. (pp 216) Some years ago Dr. William Hunter, the director of the prison's mental-health program a the Washington State Penitentiary, tried just such therapy with is patients. He would chain and handcuff his patients, to their beds, and put them in diapers. Dr. Hunter maintained that his methods are not punishment to the inmate. "If a grown man urinates in his pants, and acts like a baby, he isn't punished by being put into diapers because it doesn't embarrass him. The point is, to get him to realize what playing the role of a baby is, all the way. In fact, this penitentiary is a big baby sitting operation." Does it work ? Well, Dr. Hunter can not recall one individual in his program who returned to the prison after being paroled. It didn't last however, Dr. Hunter had too many skeptics, who thought that this was a bizarre method, and he was relieved of his duties. (DPF 1990) Stekel observed that treating an infantilist can be a difficult task with many problems for both the patient an the therapist. Often, we are misled into believing that by revealing to the patient the details of his innermost complexes, we have destroyed the crystallization point of his neurosis. Unfortunately many of our patients simulate recovery in order to preserve their treasure, their neurosis. In many cases a new crystallization forms around the undamaged nucleus. The fantasies grow, become more clandestine, better masked, more thoroughly split up from the patient's consciousness. We can say that as a rule, the tendency to hide a fantasy is greater, the more unrealistic it is. The patient is ashamed of his daydreams. And yet, he sacrifices to them the happiness of this world.(pages 388-389) Without exception, the infantilist is unable to love. If he enters a love relationship he often experiences serious internal tragedies. He then decides to live double life. Alongside his love, his infantilism marches as a constant threat always ready to destroy this love. Many of these patients do not realize that while they are engaged in passionate embraces they are committing acts of infidelity, inasmuch as in their accompanying fantasies, figures from their childhood are constantly intruding. Often these figures are arbitrarily recalled in order to increase the stimulus value of the embrace. This is a dangerous technique, which sooner or later leads to the collapse of the love relationship. Only a real love which stands on its own merits can save the infantilist. He must be ready and willing to sacrifice his infantile fantasies for the sake of the beloved person. However, since the fantasies are closely interwoven with the patient's total personality, he may be afraid to sacrifice them and, thus lose his own personality. This fact shows the difficulty the therapist faces in his attempt to rehabilitate the psychosexual infantilist. There is also another and perhaps more dangerous internal enemy against who, the struggle of both the patient and the psychiatrist must be directed. It is narcissism. In order to get well, the patient must overcome this feeling of omnipotence, self-overestimation, and self-admiration. He must recognize his mistakes through an impartial self-criticism. The affect of self-love blinds all of us. These patients, however, suffer from an unconscious pathological over-estimation of themselves, a feeling that is kept in balance by conscious violent, inferiority complexes. Both feelings are unrealistic, and hence are unable to help the patient to appraise himself correctly. (pages 389-390) In his book Lovemaps, Dr. Money discuses the imagery of paraphilia. Note that he, like Stekel, feels it may remain covert. Dr. Money also uses different types of therapy for different patients. He tries each as to know what personally works best on each person. Sexuerotic imagery and perception belong together. The distinguish- ing mark of a paraphilia is the imagery of its lovemap, which appears as dream, or fantasy and gets translated into practice. Thus it is feasible to designate paraphilic disorders as disorders of proception by contrast with hypophilias which are disorders of acception. The distinction is often fuzzy for, behind many a disorder of acception there lurks, covertly, a paraphilic proceptive fantasy. It may remain covert, even in the course of sex therapy, unless subject to explicit inquiry. Being disorders of proception, paraphilias are also Disorders of pairbonding and, therefore, of falling in love. It is actually a misnomer to call the sexual disorders, they are disorders of lust. (page 30) Antiandrogen medication is one method used. Antiandrogen, when given in high enough doses, competes with testosterone, thereby leaving no vacancies for testosterone. This usually relieves the patient of sexual tension, and agitation. They feel less driven by their sexual compulsion,, and their paraphilic fantasy imagery exercises less sexoerotic tyranny in demanding to be put into practice. The ideal plan of treatment is one in which hormonal and talking therapy are combined. Hormonal therapy with antiandrogen gives the patient what can be called in the vernacular a vacation from his sex drive. Concurrent talking therapy assists him in the process of what may be called psychic realignment. Individual talking therapy may not suffice. When the issue is that of pairbondedness with a partner, it is necessary, on at least some occasions, to engage the two people in couple counseling (Monday 1981a). To be able to live with a paraphile over an extended period of time, married or not, the partner needs to have a lovemap that reciprocally matches his/hers, either because they started out that way, or because her/his lovemap adaptively accommodated to his/hers. There are also self-help groups. These have names such as Sexaholics Anonymous, Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous, and Compulsive Cruisers Support Group. All have a therapeutic philosophy and procedure modeled after Alcoholics Anonymous. Though there are no statistics as to the long-term efficiency of membership in these therapeutic groups, the positive testimony of individual members leave no doubt as to their value for some people who formerly were without hope. Men and women are equally accepted, including those who are concurrently receiving hormonal therapy. (Money, pages 135-145) Dr. Sargent, being both a rubber fetishist, and a therapist, has a novel way of dealing with his patients. Occasionally I will share a bit of my fetishism with one of my patients. It is socially benign enough to make this possible without risk to me. For example, after allowing a new patient to stumble over presenting his transvestitism ("Umm, sometimes, umm, uh, I, uh, putonaskirt"), I smiled and suggested that anyone who wore a cloth skirt instead of a rubber one was weird. This so disrupted his beliefs about sexuality and his guilt about his transvestitism that he left his first session with a delightful self-satisfaction in his transvestitism. Once that was resolved, we could go on with the difficulties of incorporating transvestitism into life. Therapists ask me how to socialize the sexually unusual. I respond that I usually lie a lot in our repressive society. Some patients genuinely wish to make an easier adjustment than deceit, but we do not encourage people to be open when they can be damaged, and suggest they discriminate carefully. Sometimes we help them deceive their wives, occasionally with the agreement of the spouse, but more often we help them educate their partners to induce the behavior within the relationship. My own experience with the use of rubber with my partners has been all the way from direct objection to their own separate delight in the soft material. The experience of many rubber fetishists has been similar. Some never learn that an early learned response can never be matched by present development of sexual association with a fetish. The lifelong involvement with the fetish and the development of extensive associations is specific to the individual and can never be matched by another fetishist or a partner. We human beings are just too individual in our psychological development. However, it is this individuality, this multiplicity of sexual expression, which can be used by the therapist to help the fetishist and partner to more easily accept the unusual. It is this open attitude both around the office and in myself that has permitted the sharing of many otherwise secrets by clients and colleagues. Clients and friends share with me things they have never shared with others. It is accepted by my closest colleagues and clients that there is no such thing as "unusual" - or rather "usual". Each of us is a complex of associated behaviors and meanings, some with arousal and some with sexual turn off. No one individual is like another. (pages 35-36) Given the nature of fetishism, it is likely that education, not treatment, is preferable for most purposes. Even when there is extensive disruption of the relationship much more can be accomplished by having each party become clear about what they are and are not dealing with. In the absence of effective sex education courses, especially those which include the all-important SAR, the reading of books similar to The Joy of Sex (Comfort, 1972) will be effective desensitizers. My presentations of my stories and those of others to groups, or individuals, as appropriate, serve the purpose of desensitization. (page 38) The above was taken from an article written by Dr. Sargent called Fetishism, and appeared in the Journal of Social Work and Human Sexuality , 1988 (pages 27 to 42). BABY CONTRACT DATE ....................................................... PLACE..................................................... PARENTS ................................................ BABY........................................................ I........................................................... , hereby enter into a contract with my baby, named ............................... . The following rules are established in our household, and any violation of these rules by any of the parties who affix their signatures below voids this contract as if it had never existed. WHEN TO BE A BABY The person stated above known as the baby, will hereafter be a baby (girl/boy) during the times as stated below: Weekdays Weekends From................. From................. To ................. To................... WHERE AND HOW MUCH OF A BABY Baby ............. (may/will) be a baby in the following places, and (will/may) wear the following. (Cross-out those not desired) All Rooms Diapers Back Porch Baby Bottles Bedroom Plastic Pants Front Porch Rubber Pants Nursery Toys Own Yard Girls Dress Living Room Enemas Grocery Store Trousers Shirt Others (list) Socks ................ Booties ................ Sweaters ................ Bonnet ................ ............. ................ ............. ................ ............. Baby ......... (may/will/will not) wet (his/her) diaper, and I (will/will not) change (him/her). Baby ......... (may/will/will not) mess in (his/her) diaper, and I (will/will not) change (him/her). I (will/will not) put the first diaper on my baby when I or (he/she) gets home. I (will/will not) feed my baby a baby bottle. I (will/will not) feed my baby (his/her) baby food when hungry. I (will/will not) allow my baby to play with baby toys as long as (he/she) is a good baby. We the parent(s) of baby ........................, and I the baby of ................................ affix our signatures below, in agreement to the terms of this contract as written above. This contract will remain in effect until either or both parties mutually agree that this contract is no longer valid or required, or until one of the parties in some way violates the spirit of this contract. We therefore affix our signatures ...................................................(BABY) ................................................(PARENT(S)) Dated this ....... day of ................................... in the year ........................... PRODUCT LISTING The following is partial list of companies that offer products for the Adult Baby. ABC Designs P. O. Box 132 Jaffrey Center, NH.,03454 (603) 532-7107 Cloths for the Adult Baby, such as one piece sleepers, diaper sets, jump suits, etc. ABW 5468 Dundas St. W. Suite 697 Toronto, Ontario M9B 6E3 Adult Baby World publishes a magazine and catalog. The first magazine was very well written, with some wonderful stories. The catalog is somewhat like Carolyn's Kids, and offers more cloths than Adult Baby Products. It is however, a must for any well dress baby to have. Amber E. Box 723 Milpitas, Calif. 95035 Publishes the "Crib Sheet", a newsletter for infantilists, also many other items available. Carolyn's Kids P. O. Box 183-CS Melrose, Mass. 02176 Large selection of Adult Baby cloths catalog available for 5 dollars. Also has many infantile publcations available. Diaper Pail Fraternity (DPF) 3020 Bridgeway Suite 164 Sausalito, Calif. 94965 Everything for the Adult Baby. Included in it's products are Adult Baby cloths, and a varity of other Adult Baby supplies such as large pacifiers. Also available are publications as well as hypontic tapes and subliminal tapes. Durline Medical Products 7-13 E. Main Leipsic, Oh. 45856 Diapers and Plastic Pants Infantae Press P. O. Box 12466 Seattle, Wash. 98111 Publish a variety of material for the Adult Baby. J K Personal Products P.O. Box 13383 Scottsdale, Az. 85267-3383 Diapers and Plastic Pants Pro-Health P.O. Box 692 21 W. New Ave. Lemont, Ill. 60439 Adult Diapers, and Plastic Pants Slimwear of America P. O. Box 997 Eastsound, Wash. 98254 (206) 376-5213 Latex and soft rubber products including Adult Baby pants, sheets, ect. Also available are video tapes, books, ect. NOTE: Most of the above distributors have been contacted by the author of this essay, and all responded with catalogs. STATISTICS Dr. Thomas Speaker (1987), did an excellent survey on the subject of Infantilism. The following is only part of the results of his survey. The percentages were calculated from number of responses that Dr. Speaker received: This survey is part of Dr. Speaker's Thesis published by D P F. 50 % - Were Bedwetters as children 22 % - Remember wearing daytime diapers beyond the third year. 63 % - Remember wearing night diapers beyond the third year. 100 % - Resumed wearing diapers between the age of 4 and 29. 96 % - Resumed wearing diapers by personal choice. 55 % - Resumed wearing diapers between the age of 12 and 20. 81 % - Have erotic feelings while wearing diapers. 65 % - Wore diapers with no one's knowledge. 96 % - Have/Had sexual intercourse without wearing diapers. 74 % - Have/Had sexual intercourse while wearing diapers. 77 % - Non Drug users. 88 % - Prefer and enjoy being an Adult Baby. 100 % - Sexually excited while wearing diapers. 100 % - Masturbate while wearing diapers. 77 % - Are currently involved in a sexual relationship. 66 % - Are involved with a female partner. 66 % - Think of Infantilism as a lifestyle. 48 % - Are satisfied with their current level of enjoyment. 33 % - Are Unsatisfied with their current level of enjoyment. 19 % - Are not sure whether they are satisfied or not. The following are results of those who often, or sometimes, engage in the following : 88 % - Wear diapers 88 % - Wear Plastic/Rubber Pants 77 % - Use a Rubber Sheet 70 % - Wet the bed or diapers while either awake or asleep. 56 % - Wet the bed or diapers while awake only. 77 % - Wet their diapers during the day. 30 % - Soil their diapers 19 % - Nurse from a breast 44 % - Nurse from a baby bottle 41 % - Nurse with a pacifier 89 % - Use Baby Powder 70 % - Use Baby Oil 63 % - Use Baby Lotion 41 % - Use Diaper Rash Ointment
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